Hearing voices.

I can't tell if it's
THE VOICE OF REASON
Or if it's
THE VOICE OF ED

Sometimes...

Sometimes I miss you, ED.
Sometimes I miss the cold of the floor.

Sometimes I miss the pain of restriction.

Sometimes I miss the bones and the skin.

Sometimes I miss the satisfactory tears.

Sometimes I miss the suffering.

Sometimes I miss the fatigue.

Sometimes I miss not being able to walk.

Sometimes I miss seeing how obsessive I’d become.

Sometimes I miss writing so little and seeing so much less.

Sometimes I miss that number on the scale.

Sometimes I miss striving for perfection.

Sometimes I miss you, ED.

Sometimes I feel like you abandoned me which only makes me suffer more.

Sometimes I feel like I need you but I call out to you and you’re not there.

Sometimes I feel like you’ve been replaced with gluttony as punishment for trying to get over you.

Sometimes I want to scream at you.

Sometimes I want to call out to you in the night. Come back.

Sometimes I think I can’t live without you.

Sometimes I think I can’t live at all.

Your Reflection.

Do I feel it
Or is this just a reflection?

Is this your heart beating for us?

Is this your soul yearning for us?

Am I looking for comfort in you?
Am I looking to be inside of you?

Or is this merely a reflection?

Have I heard this story long enough
That I now perceive it as real?

Is this heart real?
Or is it really yours?

You know you're a writer when...

..you hope for a red light so you can quickly jot down all the words streaming through your head.

Write me those cowboy blues
They help me to feel close to you

Pour your soul into that whiskey glass
I want to drink the weight of your words

Put that pen to paper
And write me a heart breaking love song

Sing to me from the bottom of that Jameson bottle
Makes me feel like I'm lying inside of you
Next to that cold and barren heart
Let me light your days

A dip in resistance.

I'm feeling really weak right now.

I knew there would be difficult times throughout the recovery process. I knew it wouldn't always be easy. I've already encountered bumps in the road but I thought I weathered the worst of them.

Over the weekend and again last night I was browsing through photos taken during the height of my ED. It was such an upsetting thing to see. The skin, bones, fake smile, the sickness glaring out from my computer screen. It was painful.

And while I swore I could never even fathom going back to that, that I was learning body acceptance and the importance of taking care of myself, that I was finally happy with myself and free of ED, the feelings came rushing back to me. I wrote it out and it became real.

I've been feeling very uncomfortable the last few days. I feel completely opposite the way I felt the few weeks prior.

I feel like I want to go back.

I can't pinpoint where this urge is coming from or why it's striking me, why now of all times, after all of the progress I've made. I'm finally healthy. I'm taking chances. I understand myself better. I have a sense of direction. But I can't let go of the rope tying me to ED. It's there inside of me and right now it's raging.

I don't want to talk it out with anyone close to me. I don't want to hear about how far I've come, how well I'm doing, how I "can't go back." I don't want encouragement and support. Honestly I want ED back. Yet I'm fighting like hell to not give in.

On being an introvert.

I'm an introvert through and through.

I'm not anti social. I'm not depressed (not now anyway). I'm not mad at anyone. I'm not feeling anything negative. I simply enjoy being alone.

Time to myself, completely to myself, is hard to come by since I live with my family. Any quiet time I can get I take full advantage of. I read. I write. I sit in silence. I listen to music. I clean. I do whatever it is I feel like doing. And I do it alone.

I prefer to spend my time this way. I can sit for hours without making a single audible sound. I can tuck my phone and the computer away and pretend no one else in the world exists. I can be alone and be comfortable. I don't need outside stimulation from anyone or anything. I don't need to be kept entertained to someone else's liking. There isn't anything wrong with me for that. I am simply being me.

I feel like my true self when I'm alone. I have time to reflect on my day, think about the short time ahead and appreciate being present. I'm not being pulled in different directions to please anyone. I don't feel pressure to do anything more than what it is I feel like doing. I don't have to force myself to socialize and engage in sometimes draining conversations. I can simply sit and be. I can be me, not who anyone else wants or expects me to be.

And I'm perfectly ok with that.

If my silence and solitude makes someone uneasy then I suggest they examine something within themselves that makes them feel in such a way. I won't make any apologies for being true to myself. After all, I tackled far too many obstacles to allow someone else's feelings stand in my way.

Learning to love my squishy self.

The last few weeks of the beginning of recovery have been life changing. Initially the process was rough. There were still negative actions and thoughts weaving themselves through my day to day but as the days go on they seem to be significantly diminishing.

I am learning to take better care of myself physically and mentally. I think it started with guided meditation. I've slowly begun to incorporate yoga into my life along with getting back into my running shoes. I feel a great sense of calm and contentment. I don't stress or get anxious the way I used to. My temperament has become very relaxed. I feel like I am better able to handle that which I cannot control and I'm more capable of handling my everyday responsibilities. I can think, concentrate, understand and communicate again. Such simple actions yet I was robbed of them. I'm no longer fatigued to the point of being unable to sit up. I sleep better throughout the night. And best of all I'm learning to really listen to my mind and my body, no easy task.

I still have moments where food is an enemy. I'll overeat, eat junk food, won't workout. I'm finding that that is ok. I don't pig out everyday. I don't lay around everyday. But it's ok to balance the days that I eat healthy and get active with a day here and there that I let loose. I'm learning to listen to my body. When it's hungry I feed it and when it's not I don't. My thoughts are no longer consumed by food and the breakdown of carbs, fat and calories. Being a vegetarian has opened my eyes to so much more naturally good food. I've been vegetarian longer than I had suffered through my bout with anorexia and it's really helped during this beginning stage of recovery. I know my body is getting what it needs and I know because I physically feel better. The weak moments that I struggle with, when I want to purge or restrict, I remember how awful I felt for so long, how deprived I was and how much it really affected me. I don't ever want to feel that way again. I didn't like the person I saw in the mirror. I didn't like the bones I saw or stepping on the scale four times a day. I hated wanting to run but being incapable. I went about my need for control all wrong and it could have killed me. My body is still adjusting to food. I have moments where I am very uncomfortable because my digestive system is a bit screwy but I know that over time everything will right itself. I don't know how much weight I've gained at this point as one of my goals for this month was to avoid the scale but I can tell my clothes are starting to become snug and I no longer look emaciated. I like the girl and the smile that greet me in the morning and lie down with me at night.

I have always had a love of writing and it has been a huge part of my recovery as well. I write nearly every single day. Sometimes I may not have anything particular in mind but then before I know it I've managed to get out several pages worth of thoughts. It's amazing to reflect back and see the trends, to see how far my feelings and thoughts have come. I am so much more grateful for the little things in life. I am grateful for simplicities.  I am grateful for that which most take advantage. And I make sure I acknowledge it every day, whether I write or not. I don't want to ever forget how fortunate I am to have been surrounded by so much love and support that told me I could beat this.

I'm finally learning to acknowledge, accept and let go of the pain I've suffered through over the years. It hasn't been easy but it has been worth the fight. I genuinely like myself now. I'm not talking exterior although I am becoming fond of my little belly pooch and my fair skin. I like my mindset. I like that I'm wide open. I like that I want to feel again. For so long I kept myself under lock and key and now I'm free. I'm sitting here wearing a genuine heartfelt smile because I know I believe in myself. I know I am present and I know I am worthy.