The letter I will never send.

It has been four months since we last spoke. Four months since you texted me for the last time. Four months since I didn't believe the very last thing you said to me. Four months of missing you. Four months of wondering if you thought of me. Four months of secretly keeping up. Four months of wondering if you did the same. Four months of wanting to reach out. Four months of keeping my mouth shut. Four months of painful disappointment. Four months of wondering why you didn't stop me from leaving. Four months of wondering what I did to deserve this. Four months of wondering why you felt this was worth letting go of. Four months of constant reminders of you.

Four months of borderline hating you. But four long months of soul searching. Four months of forgiveness. Four months of making something of myself and four months of wishing I could share it with you. Four months have gone by and now four months later it is time to fully let go.

Goodbye, for good, S.


It's true. I finally feel free of ED. It hit me the other night, while I was eating actually. I wasn't worried about how much I was eating, how many calories I'd eat, what I'd need to avoid eating in order to make up for it or how much I'd have to exercise to work it off. I simply ate. I did the same last night. Studying had me stressed and I am a notorious stress eater. Although once I wrote down everything in my food log it really wasn't as bad as I thought it was.

To get to this place means everything to me.

For years, even before I knew it was happened, I struggled. I struggled with my weight, yes, but it has always been more than that. Older and wiser I realize this now. My self worth has been in the toilet for years upon years. I dug myself deeper with age. I thought I was supposed to let go of those things by this stage of my life. I thought I would have myself and my life a little more figured out by now. I thought I would have settled into some sort of self acceptance. Boy, was I wrong.

That's ok.

I'm finding more and more that not everyone pushing 30 or even beyond is at the place in their life where they thought they'd be. And that is so very ok. For the last few years especially I felt stagnant. I'm working an ok job but it has no potential. I had no clue what I wanted to do with my life although I tried different schools, basic community college, mulled over every 'reasonable' career choice out there. Nothing fit. Nothing felt right. Nothing was flashing neon signs and screaming my name. Until I decided to become a personal trainer. Even then I procrastinated. Would I be good at it? What do I know? How will I learn in five measley weeks? Having such a bad track record of self loathing and harming my body, how could I even begin to believe that I was someone who could help others learn to love themselves and take care of their bodies and their minds? On impulse, and with some very hard coaxing, I enrolled and I am so happy I did and so thankful for that kick in the ass that I needed.

I am pushing my mind harder than ever to be the best trainer that I can be (I am confident I will pass the test in two weeks). I am learning to network. I am reading into what opportunities lie within this field. And I'm finding that it is "wide open" as a trainer and wellness coach advised me. I can go anywhere and do anything I dream of within the wellness field. I have known from a very early age that I was meant to help others. I've said it for so many years but never quite knew where my voice was meant to boom. Now I know.

How does freedom from ED play into all this? I am now 100% confident that my experiences, as ugly and painful as they were, were fought so that I could be where I am today. I had to suffer, nearing my demise, in order to help others. I wouldn't trade that for the world. I am grateful to my ED for the lessons. And now, I am so ready to bury it, continue to heal and grow and learn, and give myself to others so that I can help them battle their demons and learn to love themselves.

I'm so excited to turn this page in my book.