I have a body.

I have a body.

What a silly, obvious thing to say, "I have a body."

For someone with an eating disorder or disordered eating mindset this can be a realization that is difficult to accept. For having a body means you have to look at it, look after it, nourish it, and take care of it. When you have urges and desires and needs they are to be met.

But when you are dealing with an ED mindset the drive to turn off those urges and desires and needs becomes painful and loud and often times unbearable. You long to escape the body you're trapped in, the body you hate to look at, look after, feed and nourish.

When the sad realization that you simply cannot discard of this body, this thing, this entrapment, every day can become a nightmare, or what I call a "silent hell."

This past week I had fallen back on restrictive ways. I had tasted the comfort of ED. The craziness, the physical pangs, I welcomed all of it with open arms. I was willing to throw away all the days that I struggled to maintain recovery, the mental well being, the physical health, all in the pursuit of "perfection." A perfection I never once obtained when in the darkest days of anorexia, a perfection I know intelligently does.not.exist.

Yet I keep striving for it.

At this juncture in my life the constant pull and back and forth is almost worse than the ED itself. I know the repercussions of restriction. I know all of these positive ways in which to keep my foot in the present and not give in. But that constant strive for perfection... it haunts me.

I used to say I felt like a fraud and that feeling has never felt more real to me than it does right now. I'm crippled by it. How can I possibly want to work in a field helping people to heal themselves when I can't even help myself?

Perfection, denied.

Each day, with each sunrise, I am forced to make a decision: Stay well or relapse. Most days I stand firm in my decision to move forward. Other days, well, it's a massive struggle. Some days I can accept that I am who I am, who I am becoming, and who I am meant to be in this world. Other days I'm simply not good enough. That feeling is almost as familiar as the body in which I reside.

Today, though, I chose recovery. Today I chose to stay present. Today I chose to recognize that I do not need to be anything more or other than who I am. Today perfection doesn't exist. Today I am content with just being me.

My Pants Don't Fit (and Why I Don't Care!)

Thanks to a drop in temperature today I decided to opt for pants for a change. Jeans, my least favorite piece of clothing. I tried to squeeze into a pair I hadn't worn in a while and found I could barely get them all the way up my legs. Much to my delight my first thought was not one of disgust or disdain for my body. The forbidden F word never entered my mind. Oh no no, I have come so far from that place. Instead I thought "Whatever!"

Yes, my immediate unfiltered response was a big old WHATEVER. My second response was a huge smile across my face.

I'm not quite sure how or when the shift really began to manifest. I have been reading, writing, and reading some more over the last year in an effort to make the most of my recovery from ED and to plant myself firmly on the path toward radical self love and body acceptance. I started following plus-size bloggers and models, reading articles on body acceptance and fat shaming, and I started practicing mindfulness in all areas of my life. And let me tell you, it has all brought me to this very moment.

That one phrase has had a profound impact on my self image and self worth.

No longer do I set expectations on aesthetics. I am not interested in fitting into someone else's mold of what is beautiful or worthy. Instead I am more concerned with functionality. I focus on the action and the physical and mental feelings in those moments rather than how many calories I am burning or how my body looks. I am consciously aware of movements and my abilities. I also learned to listen to my body which is something that I never made a priority. I rest when it's needed and I push myself when I know I am capable of so much more. It's a balance I finally struck. I no longer take my body for granted.

I can honestly say my struggle with food is barely there these days as well. I learned so much from the Intuitive Eating Challenge. I eat when I am hungry, pay attention to satiety, and never deprive myself. I put into action what I learned from a nutrition course I took back in April and make sure I am eating a complete meal or healthy snack each time something goes into my mouth. But if I want to indulge I do it. If I want to go out to dinner or for drinks I do it. If I overeat so be it. No more guilt. That freedom is indescribable.

All of this letting go and lack of stress about weight, measurements, and looks has paid off. Not only am I mentally more sound, not only am I more confident, but I finally put in that last piece of the puzzle. After two long years and an excruciatingly painful road, my body has healed itself and amenorrhea is no longer a concern. I have finally put my ED experience to pasture.

I am thankful, never regretful, for the experience. I could have never gotten to where I am or who I am otherwise.

Today is huge for me. I feel like I quietly exited one door and walked blissfully toward another.