I have a body.
What a silly, obvious thing to say, "I have a body."
For someone with an eating disorder or disordered eating mindset this can be a realization that is difficult to accept. For having a body means you have to look at it, look after it, nourish it, and take care of it. When you have urges and desires and needs they are to be met.
But when you are dealing with an ED mindset the drive to turn off those urges and desires and needs becomes painful and loud and often times unbearable. You long to escape the body you're trapped in, the body you hate to look at, look after, feed and nourish.
When the sad realization that you simply cannot discard of this body, this thing, this entrapment, every day can become a nightmare, or what I call a "silent hell."
This past week I had fallen back on restrictive ways. I had tasted the comfort of ED. The craziness, the physical pangs, I welcomed all of it with open arms. I was willing to throw away all the days that I struggled to maintain recovery, the mental well being, the physical health, all in the pursuit of "perfection." A perfection I never once obtained when in the darkest days of anorexia, a perfection I know intelligently does.not.exist.
Yet I keep striving for it.
At this juncture in my life the constant pull and back and forth is almost worse than the ED itself. I know the repercussions of restriction. I know all of these positive ways in which to keep my foot in the present and not give in. But that constant strive for perfection... it haunts me.
I used to say I felt like a fraud and that feeling has never felt more real to me than it does right now. I'm crippled by it. How can I possibly want to work in a field helping people to heal themselves when I can't even help myself?
Perfection, denied.
Each day, with each sunrise, I am forced to make a decision: Stay well or relapse. Most days I stand firm in my decision to move forward. Other days, well, it's a massive struggle. Some days I can accept that I am who I am, who I am becoming, and who I am meant to be in this world. Other days I'm simply not good enough. That feeling is almost as familiar as the body in which I reside.
Today, though, I chose recovery. Today I chose to stay present. Today I chose to recognize that I do not need to be anything more or other than who I am. Today perfection doesn't exist. Today I am content with just being me.
Showing posts with label Recovery. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Recovery. Show all posts
My Pants Don't Fit (and Why I Don't Care!)
Thanks to a drop in temperature today I decided to opt for pants for a change. Jeans, my least favorite piece of clothing. I tried to squeeze into a pair I hadn't worn in a while and found I could barely get them all the way up my legs. Much to my delight my first thought was not one of disgust or disdain for my body. The forbidden F word never entered my mind. Oh no no, I have come so far from that place. Instead I thought "Whatever!"
Yes, my immediate unfiltered response was a big old WHATEVER. My second response was a huge smile across my face.
I'm not quite sure how or when the shift really began to manifest. I have been reading, writing, and reading some more over the last year in an effort to make the most of my recovery from ED and to plant myself firmly on the path toward radical self love and body acceptance. I started following plus-size bloggers and models, reading articles on body acceptance and fat shaming, and I started practicing mindfulness in all areas of my life. And let me tell you, it has all brought me to this very moment.
That one phrase has had a profound impact on my self image and self worth.
No longer do I set expectations on aesthetics. I am not interested in fitting into someone else's mold of what is beautiful or worthy. Instead I am more concerned with functionality. I focus on the action and the physical and mental feelings in those moments rather than how many calories I am burning or how my body looks. I am consciously aware of movements and my abilities. I also learned to listen to my body which is something that I never made a priority. I rest when it's needed and I push myself when I know I am capable of so much more. It's a balance I finally struck. I no longer take my body for granted.
I can honestly say my struggle with food is barely there these days as well. I learned so much from the Intuitive Eating Challenge. I eat when I am hungry, pay attention to satiety, and never deprive myself. I put into action what I learned from a nutrition course I took back in April and make sure I am eating a complete meal or healthy snack each time something goes into my mouth. But if I want to indulge I do it. If I want to go out to dinner or for drinks I do it. If I overeat so be it. No more guilt. That freedom is indescribable.
All of this letting go and lack of stress about weight, measurements, and looks has paid off. Not only am I mentally more sound, not only am I more confident, but I finally put in that last piece of the puzzle. After two long years and an excruciatingly painful road, my body has healed itself and amenorrhea is no longer a concern. I have finally put my ED experience to pasture.
I am thankful, never regretful, for the experience. I could have never gotten to where I am or who I am otherwise.
Today is huge for me. I feel like I quietly exited one door and walked blissfully toward another.
Letting Go of Bad Habits.
After two hours and nearly seven miles something my friend said to me really made struck a nerve. I need to let go.
What I would say was the biggest factor in my anorexia and the continuity of disordered eating is control. When everything else in life is unsteady and not going as I would like I freak out and do what I know best, I exert extreme control over my eating. I haven't relapsed although I've teetered on the edge a few times. But it made me reassess my mental state when the going gets tough. It made me realize there are still some behaviors that do not serve me positively on any level and I need to let them go.
Marching into a second year of dealing with HA is frustrating to say the least. I have tried several medications, adjusted my diet, adjusted my exercising, and yet nothing seems to correct the problem. When I take on an outside point of view it seems rather obvious that changes need to be made. If what I've tried has not worked up to this point why do I continue to do the same things yet expect different results? That's preposterous!
I learned a lot from the intuitive eating challenge I took on in April. And while I continue to incorporate intuitive eating into my life, there is still that last bit of control that I need to sever ties with. I truly believe that I can heal my body holistically if I simply let go.
Today I am doing just that.
No more food logging. No more measuring. No more 'good foods/bad foods'. No more restriction.
No more weighing myself. No more scrutinizing myself in the mirror. No more pushing myself to extremes. No more stressing. NO MORE ABUSE.
From this day forward I am going to listen to my body. I will eat when I am hungry and I will eat what my body tells me it really needs (or sometimes just wants!). I will move in ways that make me feel strong and alive. I will rest when my body aches. I will laugh a hearty laugh when my soul needs it. I will meditate when I need centering.
I am going to stop worrying and truly start living.
So I'm unemployed.
Being unemployed sucks. I don't understand how some people prefer to not work. I am going absolutely bananas being home everyday. And I'm not even really home the entire time. I go to the gym, go to the park, go to the library, and run errands. I keep myself busy and out of the house as much as possible. But I know once the task at hand is over I am going home. Going home with no direction beyond that. Going home without having had really any interpersonal interaction.
What does having all of this time to one's self do to the mind - my mind? It's a breeding ground for relapse.
Yes, I admit it. I have been struggling to maintain balance for the last week. Some (most?) people may associate being home with that fear of becoming lazy, eating emotionally and thereby gaining weight. I associate being home with having too much time to overthink and drive myself crazy with negative self talk. Self talk about how I got myself into this situation, how I am doing nothing with myself right now, what good am I, how am I going to succeed, and so on and so forth.
In order to keep that talk at bay I keep myself busy and I keep myself moving. Not so bad, right? Well, for me, this seems to be sending me back into the throes of overexercising and restrictive/disordered eating. Negating any efforts to reverse my HA and stay on track with recovery. I am at the gym nearly everyday and I am walking and/or running every single day. Some people would question what is so wrong with that. We should be active and healthy, right? Of course. But I also know that rest (boy, how I hate that dirty little word) is also necessary. The thought of rest and being still terrifies me. How will I stay outside of my head if I don't have much else to focus on?
I do have moments of clarity. I have moments where I stop and remind myself that I am unemployed by choice because I felt a stronger pull toward something more fulfilling. I needed to get out of a bad working environment. I am no longer stagnant. I am actively working to accomplish a huge goal. It may not be happening at a quick or even the most steady pace but it is happening. I have faith in myself and in the universe. I have faith that my goals will be met and I will be propelled into something soul satisfying.
It just takes time.
I give myself credit for being vocal and conscious of my behavior this week. Although I may have taken a few steps back all is not lost. I know this is part of the process of recovery.
Today is a brand new day.
What does having all of this time to one's self do to the mind - my mind? It's a breeding ground for relapse.
Yes, I admit it. I have been struggling to maintain balance for the last week. Some (most?) people may associate being home with that fear of becoming lazy, eating emotionally and thereby gaining weight. I associate being home with having too much time to overthink and drive myself crazy with negative self talk. Self talk about how I got myself into this situation, how I am doing nothing with myself right now, what good am I, how am I going to succeed, and so on and so forth.
In order to keep that talk at bay I keep myself busy and I keep myself moving. Not so bad, right? Well, for me, this seems to be sending me back into the throes of overexercising and restrictive/disordered eating. Negating any efforts to reverse my HA and stay on track with recovery. I am at the gym nearly everyday and I am walking and/or running every single day. Some people would question what is so wrong with that. We should be active and healthy, right? Of course. But I also know that rest (boy, how I hate that dirty little word) is also necessary. The thought of rest and being still terrifies me. How will I stay outside of my head if I don't have much else to focus on?
I do have moments of clarity. I have moments where I stop and remind myself that I am unemployed by choice because I felt a stronger pull toward something more fulfilling. I needed to get out of a bad working environment. I am no longer stagnant. I am actively working to accomplish a huge goal. It may not be happening at a quick or even the most steady pace but it is happening. I have faith in myself and in the universe. I have faith that my goals will be met and I will be propelled into something soul satisfying.
It just takes time.
I give myself credit for being vocal and conscious of my behavior this week. Although I may have taken a few steps back all is not lost. I know this is part of the process of recovery.
Today is a brand new day.
(via)
Eat More.
Something an active anoretic hates hearing is "eat more." If it were as easy to "just eat" as many people tend to think then anorexia wouldn't be such an issue, now would it?
Fast forward to being in recovery. And hearing that although you've made great progress and have put on enough weight to be physically recovered 'you probably aren't consuming enough calories.' What?!
This is what I heard from a registered dietitian in-residence. From a dietary standpoint it doesn't sound as though I am eating enough in order to completely nourish my body and reverse the hypothalamic amenorrhea I've been experiencing for two years now. What was more concerning was her pointing out some behaviors and that being told to eat more and having a fear of weight gain translates to the fact that I still struggle with ED behavior even if I have made great strides in my recovery. The thought of eating more when I often feel I've eaten too much is scary for me. That I instinctually associated more food with more weight is of much concern to me. Intellectually I can discern that properly nourishing my body and reversing HA will solve my physical problems and my weight will stabilize. But deep down, locked in that cage with the key thrown away, ED tells me that eating more will make me fat no matter what.
I'm not really sure how to process this. I've been doing really well eating intuitively and I mentioned that during the conversation. I would likely feel as though I am force feeding myself in order to consume more calories. That is sort of damaging to the progress I've made in repairing my relationship with food. I certainly don't want to go backward in that respect but I also want my body to be back to 100%. So what do I do?
This woman gave me some other great suggestions that I intend to pursue, such as seeing new doctors and having my blood work checked. But those are easier in my eyes. Those are scientific and based on fact. Eating more and dealing with the emotions that are involved, drudging up the past and going in the ring with it for Round 2, are far more unappealing. It almost feels like the windows in my house of recovery have been cracked and soon the ghost of ED will seep in.
"The hardest part is getting started."
How true that is. I know I am a strong woman. I know I've battled far worse situations and I've overcome them. I know I can do this. I'm just not sure how to start.
Fast forward to being in recovery. And hearing that although you've made great progress and have put on enough weight to be physically recovered 'you probably aren't consuming enough calories.' What?!
This is what I heard from a registered dietitian in-residence. From a dietary standpoint it doesn't sound as though I am eating enough in order to completely nourish my body and reverse the hypothalamic amenorrhea I've been experiencing for two years now. What was more concerning was her pointing out some behaviors and that being told to eat more and having a fear of weight gain translates to the fact that I still struggle with ED behavior even if I have made great strides in my recovery. The thought of eating more when I often feel I've eaten too much is scary for me. That I instinctually associated more food with more weight is of much concern to me. Intellectually I can discern that properly nourishing my body and reversing HA will solve my physical problems and my weight will stabilize. But deep down, locked in that cage with the key thrown away, ED tells me that eating more will make me fat no matter what.
I'm not really sure how to process this. I've been doing really well eating intuitively and I mentioned that during the conversation. I would likely feel as though I am force feeding myself in order to consume more calories. That is sort of damaging to the progress I've made in repairing my relationship with food. I certainly don't want to go backward in that respect but I also want my body to be back to 100%. So what do I do?
This woman gave me some other great suggestions that I intend to pursue, such as seeing new doctors and having my blood work checked. But those are easier in my eyes. Those are scientific and based on fact. Eating more and dealing with the emotions that are involved, drudging up the past and going in the ring with it for Round 2, are far more unappealing. It almost feels like the windows in my house of recovery have been cracked and soon the ghost of ED will seep in.
"The hardest part is getting started."
How true that is. I know I am a strong woman. I know I've battled far worse situations and I've overcome them. I know I can do this. I'm just not sure how to start.
Intuitive Eating Review
I'm a little late on reviewing the Intuitive Eating Challenge but better late than never, no?
I came away from the 21 Day Intuitive Eating Challenge with so much more insight about myself and my eating habits. I knew that my relationship with food was in the gutter. While I eat healthy most of the time I knew that there were times my eating was 'out of control.' I was eating for emotional reasons. I was eating out of stress, anxiety, frustration and sadness. I wasn't taking care of my body as best as I could. I was tired of it but I didn't know how to handle changing my habits on my own.
At the beginning of the challenge I learned to give myself permission to 'eat what I want'. No more restrictions. No more "good food/bad food." I'd set so many food rules that it was hard letting go of the fear of eating something I had deemed "bad". I noticed that after allowing myself to enjoy whatever food that was that it lost its power. I no longer craved it or overindulged because I learned that I could enjoy it whenever I felt I really wanted it.
Once over that hump I learned how to really tune into what my body was telling me. What was it I really wanted? What did I crave? This is something I come back to frequently when deciding what to eat. Rather than choosing something simply because I'm hungry and it's there I try to tune into what my body is telling me it really wants and needs. Everyday is different and that's perfectly normal. There isn't a wrong or right way to eat throughout my days as long as I check in with myself. Beyond choosing foods that will satisfy my bodily needs, I also learned how to tune into the satisfaction feeling. I grew up in a home where we usually cleared our plates. My grandfather taught us from a young age that food was not to be wasted as there were plenty of starving people in the world. That mentality has stuck with me my entire life. But now I have accepted that it's ok to not overfill my body simply because there is more food to be had. What good will that do me if I feel sluggish and bloated? Or if I have food guilt over eating too much? It's ok to save leftovers and enjoy that tasty meal a second time around.
And more than just dealing with food this challenge touched on intuitive drinking, exercising, and living. I'm not a frequent drinker so that part didn't really hit home for me. I did know that beyond repairing my relationship with food I needed to focus on learning to listen to my body in an effort to not overexert it. I'm competitive with myself. I like challenging my body in ways I haven't tried before (most recently with Insanity). But at some point I stopped listening to what my body was telling me and allowed my mind to take over. I was in a mess of pain most days but kept pushing through it. Not smart! Then it struck me that while certain workouts were challenging both physically and mentally I wasn't having as much fun as I really wanted to have. And if it's not fun what is the point?? After a month of Insanity I decided to get back into the weight room more frequently instead (I hadn't given that up altogether but had slowed down). I enjoy being in the gym. I enjoy lifting weights and pushing my body there. That is fun for me. I also got back into running. I run because I love it. I run because I love being outside. I run because I can. I run because it is my personal time. It's my getaway. It ignites me. It's my friend when I need it. I want to fill my life with more activities that excite me, that make me feel and make me feel alive.
Which then brings me to intuitive living. I took off two days of work in the last two weeks. Normally I have most of my days off planned out. I'm crazy, I know. But these days were different. I checked in with myself, decided what it was I wanted to do in that present moment and then did it. I went with the flow and while it's so out of character for me it felt amazing. I didn't feel restricted. I didn't feel pressed for time. I placed no limitations on what I could do and it was wonderful. I'm incorporating that into my everyday life as well. It ties in with my post about slowing down. Digging down deep and doing things that make me happy and fulfilled and at peace are what I want and need more of in my life.
I know that this challenge was simply the a beginning. There isn't an end point to reach. It's about being more in touch with your body and your mind. It's about shedding the restrictions that society places on us regarding food, exercise, beauty, and an overall manner in which we "should" be living our lives. Who knows better what you need than you? Who knows what will bring you satisfaction and fulfillment more than you do?
I would highly recommend Jamie's 21 Day Intuitive Eating Challenge to anyone in need of change. If you have a poor relationship with food and body image then this is a great start. Not only do I feel better overall about my eating, exercising and the way in which I live my life, I have finally accepted myself for who I am. I've banished the word "fat" from my vocabulary. I no longer view my body as some sort of aesthetic fixture for people to gawk at. It is my vessel. It allows me to live, love, breathe, run, learn, drive, eat, and be happy. It's more than meets the eye. I finally feel free.
Thank you to Meg @ A Dash Of Meg for inspiring many of us to sign up for this challenge. I know it's changed a lot of lives.
I came away from the 21 Day Intuitive Eating Challenge with so much more insight about myself and my eating habits. I knew that my relationship with food was in the gutter. While I eat healthy most of the time I knew that there were times my eating was 'out of control.' I was eating for emotional reasons. I was eating out of stress, anxiety, frustration and sadness. I wasn't taking care of my body as best as I could. I was tired of it but I didn't know how to handle changing my habits on my own.
At the beginning of the challenge I learned to give myself permission to 'eat what I want'. No more restrictions. No more "good food/bad food." I'd set so many food rules that it was hard letting go of the fear of eating something I had deemed "bad". I noticed that after allowing myself to enjoy whatever food that was that it lost its power. I no longer craved it or overindulged because I learned that I could enjoy it whenever I felt I really wanted it.
Once over that hump I learned how to really tune into what my body was telling me. What was it I really wanted? What did I crave? This is something I come back to frequently when deciding what to eat. Rather than choosing something simply because I'm hungry and it's there I try to tune into what my body is telling me it really wants and needs. Everyday is different and that's perfectly normal. There isn't a wrong or right way to eat throughout my days as long as I check in with myself. Beyond choosing foods that will satisfy my bodily needs, I also learned how to tune into the satisfaction feeling. I grew up in a home where we usually cleared our plates. My grandfather taught us from a young age that food was not to be wasted as there were plenty of starving people in the world. That mentality has stuck with me my entire life. But now I have accepted that it's ok to not overfill my body simply because there is more food to be had. What good will that do me if I feel sluggish and bloated? Or if I have food guilt over eating too much? It's ok to save leftovers and enjoy that tasty meal a second time around.
And more than just dealing with food this challenge touched on intuitive drinking, exercising, and living. I'm not a frequent drinker so that part didn't really hit home for me. I did know that beyond repairing my relationship with food I needed to focus on learning to listen to my body in an effort to not overexert it. I'm competitive with myself. I like challenging my body in ways I haven't tried before (most recently with Insanity). But at some point I stopped listening to what my body was telling me and allowed my mind to take over. I was in a mess of pain most days but kept pushing through it. Not smart! Then it struck me that while certain workouts were challenging both physically and mentally I wasn't having as much fun as I really wanted to have. And if it's not fun what is the point?? After a month of Insanity I decided to get back into the weight room more frequently instead (I hadn't given that up altogether but had slowed down). I enjoy being in the gym. I enjoy lifting weights and pushing my body there. That is fun for me. I also got back into running. I run because I love it. I run because I love being outside. I run because I can. I run because it is my personal time. It's my getaway. It ignites me. It's my friend when I need it. I want to fill my life with more activities that excite me, that make me feel and make me feel alive.
Which then brings me to intuitive living. I took off two days of work in the last two weeks. Normally I have most of my days off planned out. I'm crazy, I know. But these days were different. I checked in with myself, decided what it was I wanted to do in that present moment and then did it. I went with the flow and while it's so out of character for me it felt amazing. I didn't feel restricted. I didn't feel pressed for time. I placed no limitations on what I could do and it was wonderful. I'm incorporating that into my everyday life as well. It ties in with my post about slowing down. Digging down deep and doing things that make me happy and fulfilled and at peace are what I want and need more of in my life.
I know that this challenge was simply the a beginning. There isn't an end point to reach. It's about being more in touch with your body and your mind. It's about shedding the restrictions that society places on us regarding food, exercise, beauty, and an overall manner in which we "should" be living our lives. Who knows better what you need than you? Who knows what will bring you satisfaction and fulfillment more than you do?
I would highly recommend Jamie's 21 Day Intuitive Eating Challenge to anyone in need of change. If you have a poor relationship with food and body image then this is a great start. Not only do I feel better overall about my eating, exercising and the way in which I live my life, I have finally accepted myself for who I am. I've banished the word "fat" from my vocabulary. I no longer view my body as some sort of aesthetic fixture for people to gawk at. It is my vessel. It allows me to live, love, breathe, run, learn, drive, eat, and be happy. It's more than meets the eye. I finally feel free.
Thank you to Meg @ A Dash Of Meg for inspiring many of us to sign up for this challenge. I know it's changed a lot of lives.
Intuitive Eating Week 1
It's called a challenge for a reason and that is exactly what it is. Since beginning the Intuitive Eating Challenge I have begun a pretty hard journey toward listening to my body rather than my mind when it comes to food.
Food has long been a comfort and a stressor for me. I eat when I'm bored, tired, upset, hating myself although not too frequently when I feel I'm in a fine state of mind. Then that nasty guilt sets in and I hate everything about everything and want to hide under the blankets until I'm done feeling like a fat mess. An issue I have been facing in the last few months is a frequent physical feeling of hunger. I know it started when I began taking hormones to reverse amenorrhea and stay with me while I took a regular low dose birth control pill. I've since stopped since the hormones were making me feel legit crazy but that physical feeling of hunger still plagues me some times. What gives?!
I often blame my conscious self. Maybe it's all in my head. Maybe it's a cover up for whatever I'm feeling deep down that I'm struggling to deal with on the surface. But what if it's more than that and I'm beating myself up for nothing? What if my hormones are still a bit out of whack (which I do sort of believe)? How do you become more in tune with your physical body when you aren't really sure what could be going on in there?
All things considered I think I'm doing pretty well so far. I've been learning to put down the food and walk away (most times) when I catch myself overmunching. Sometimes though I go with it until I feel a little more than full, then I feel guilty and vow to remember that feeling so that I won't become a repeat offender. I had my lack of control tested over the weekend when I went out to eat with Dad and surprisingly did not have any guilty feelings afterward - not even for eating a few fries! I'm still working on figuring out cravings and deciding what I really want to eat over what seems practical and available. I'm only a week in but I do feel as though I've taken some big steps forward.
From where I was a year ago beginning ED recovery I don't think I could have imagined being in this place right now and having so much support in building a better mentality toward food. I had sort of resigned myself to the belief that food would always be, in some way, a struggle for me. Now I know that isn't the truth at all.
Recovery was step one.
The next, learning to eat and live intuitively.
I think I am more than ready.
Food has long been a comfort and a stressor for me. I eat when I'm bored, tired, upset, hating myself although not too frequently when I feel I'm in a fine state of mind. Then that nasty guilt sets in and I hate everything about everything and want to hide under the blankets until I'm done feeling like a fat mess. An issue I have been facing in the last few months is a frequent physical feeling of hunger. I know it started when I began taking hormones to reverse amenorrhea and stay with me while I took a regular low dose birth control pill. I've since stopped since the hormones were making me feel legit crazy but that physical feeling of hunger still plagues me some times. What gives?!
I often blame my conscious self. Maybe it's all in my head. Maybe it's a cover up for whatever I'm feeling deep down that I'm struggling to deal with on the surface. But what if it's more than that and I'm beating myself up for nothing? What if my hormones are still a bit out of whack (which I do sort of believe)? How do you become more in tune with your physical body when you aren't really sure what could be going on in there?
All things considered I think I'm doing pretty well so far. I've been learning to put down the food and walk away (most times) when I catch myself overmunching. Sometimes though I go with it until I feel a little more than full, then I feel guilty and vow to remember that feeling so that I won't become a repeat offender. I had my lack of control tested over the weekend when I went out to eat with Dad and surprisingly did not have any guilty feelings afterward - not even for eating a few fries! I'm still working on figuring out cravings and deciding what I really want to eat over what seems practical and available. I'm only a week in but I do feel as though I've taken some big steps forward.
From where I was a year ago beginning ED recovery I don't think I could have imagined being in this place right now and having so much support in building a better mentality toward food. I had sort of resigned myself to the belief that food would always be, in some way, a struggle for me. Now I know that isn't the truth at all.
Recovery was step one.
The next, learning to eat and live intuitively.
I think I am more than ready.
Terrible Tues.
I'm not entirely sure what it is about Tuesdays lately but they leave me feeling flat. I have been on cloud nine recently. I was overly excited about every little thing in life just last night. But this morning, this particular Tuesday, I woke up feeling unlike my 'new norm.' I also woke up with food guilt.
Yesterday was Day One of Jamie's 21 Day Intuitive Eating Challenge. I signed up for this challenge as a means to finally, after so many dirty struggles, repair my relationship with food. The objective yesterday was to eat whatever you want whenever you want. I struggled a little with giving up on measuring all of my foods but I did allow for plenty of wiggle room. I was fine with my eating all day... until I walked in the door at midnight with a slightly grumbly tummy. While I didn't gorge on junk food I was remorseful for eating too much of the good stuff. I woke up with that guilt lying right beside me. Welcome to Day Two - Let's Stop Judging Ourselves. I most definitely, no matter how far away from ED I have come, still feel pangs of self judgement from time to time after I eat. That is definitely part of the problem today.
And I hate it. Not that anyone would love it. But I truly loathe this feeling.
I have spent countless hours reading on eating disorder recovery from medical type books and articles to memoirs and blog posts. My old therapist told me I had a really good handle on my recovery process because of all of this. So why do I still worry about food? And furthermore why do I still worry about that God forsaken scale?
I've read a few blog posts lately with the same theme - thinking that when you reach a certain weight your life will really begin and you will finally be happy. Well, I've been a decent amount of numbers all the way down to 102 and let me tell you happiness cannot be measured in numbers. Yet I still have that nagging feeling way down deep in my brain. That does not mean I am not happy in this present moment. I most certainly am. I have accomplished so much in even just the last few months let alone the last year. I finally feel like I am right where I belong and working toward achieving so many goals I have set for myself, and I'm looking forward - without fear - to what else is going to come my way. My positivity has bred more positivity. I am absolutely IN LOVE with life. But I guess when things are going so well there has to be some sort of bump in the road to keep things interesting, right? To remind you that you are still human and falter? To remind you of your strength and how you got to this very moment?
Today's objective is a tough one for me. I struggle with self judgement even beyond my eating habits. I have long been a perfectionist - my own worst enemy - and only recently have I been learning how to be my own best friend. How do you wave a white flag when it comes to yourself? How do you resign yourself to just being who you really are in this present moment? How do you begin to believe in yourself 100% based on who you are and what you are capable of and not judge yourself based on what you look like, weigh or eat?
Yesterday was Day One of Jamie's 21 Day Intuitive Eating Challenge. I signed up for this challenge as a means to finally, after so many dirty struggles, repair my relationship with food. The objective yesterday was to eat whatever you want whenever you want. I struggled a little with giving up on measuring all of my foods but I did allow for plenty of wiggle room. I was fine with my eating all day... until I walked in the door at midnight with a slightly grumbly tummy. While I didn't gorge on junk food I was remorseful for eating too much of the good stuff. I woke up with that guilt lying right beside me. Welcome to Day Two - Let's Stop Judging Ourselves. I most definitely, no matter how far away from ED I have come, still feel pangs of self judgement from time to time after I eat. That is definitely part of the problem today.
And I hate it. Not that anyone would love it. But I truly loathe this feeling.
I have spent countless hours reading on eating disorder recovery from medical type books and articles to memoirs and blog posts. My old therapist told me I had a really good handle on my recovery process because of all of this. So why do I still worry about food? And furthermore why do I still worry about that God forsaken scale?
I've read a few blog posts lately with the same theme - thinking that when you reach a certain weight your life will really begin and you will finally be happy. Well, I've been a decent amount of numbers all the way down to 102 and let me tell you happiness cannot be measured in numbers. Yet I still have that nagging feeling way down deep in my brain. That does not mean I am not happy in this present moment. I most certainly am. I have accomplished so much in even just the last few months let alone the last year. I finally feel like I am right where I belong and working toward achieving so many goals I have set for myself, and I'm looking forward - without fear - to what else is going to come my way. My positivity has bred more positivity. I am absolutely IN LOVE with life. But I guess when things are going so well there has to be some sort of bump in the road to keep things interesting, right? To remind you that you are still human and falter? To remind you of your strength and how you got to this very moment?
Today's objective is a tough one for me. I struggle with self judgement even beyond my eating habits. I have long been a perfectionist - my own worst enemy - and only recently have I been learning how to be my own best friend. How do you wave a white flag when it comes to yourself? How do you resign yourself to just being who you really are in this present moment? How do you begin to believe in yourself 100% based on who you are and what you are capable of and not judge yourself based on what you look like, weigh or eat?
Freedom.
It's true. I finally feel free of ED. It hit me the other night, while I was eating actually. I wasn't worried about how much I was eating, how many calories I'd eat, what I'd need to avoid eating in order to make up for it or how much I'd have to exercise to work it off. I simply ate. I did the same last night. Studying had me stressed and I am a notorious stress eater. Although once I wrote down everything in my food log it really wasn't as bad as I thought it was.
To get to this place means everything to me.
For years, even before I knew it was happened, I struggled. I struggled with my weight, yes, but it has always been more than that. Older and wiser I realize this now. My self worth has been in the toilet for years upon years. I dug myself deeper with age. I thought I was supposed to let go of those things by this stage of my life. I thought I would have myself and my life a little more figured out by now. I thought I would have settled into some sort of self acceptance. Boy, was I wrong.
That's ok.
I'm finding more and more that not everyone pushing 30 or even beyond is at the place in their life where they thought they'd be. And that is so very ok. For the last few years especially I felt stagnant. I'm working an ok job but it has no potential. I had no clue what I wanted to do with my life although I tried different schools, basic community college, mulled over every 'reasonable' career choice out there. Nothing fit. Nothing felt right. Nothing was flashing neon signs and screaming my name. Until I decided to become a personal trainer. Even then I procrastinated. Would I be good at it? What do I know? How will I learn in five measley weeks? Having such a bad track record of self loathing and harming my body, how could I even begin to believe that I was someone who could help others learn to love themselves and take care of their bodies and their minds? On impulse, and with some very hard coaxing, I enrolled and I am so happy I did and so thankful for that kick in the ass that I needed.
I am pushing my mind harder than ever to be the best trainer that I can be (I am confident I will pass the test in two weeks). I am learning to network. I am reading into what opportunities lie within this field. And I'm finding that it is "wide open" as a trainer and wellness coach advised me. I can go anywhere and do anything I dream of within the wellness field. I have known from a very early age that I was meant to help others. I've said it for so many years but never quite knew where my voice was meant to boom. Now I know.
How does freedom from ED play into all this? I am now 100% confident that my experiences, as ugly and painful as they were, were fought so that I could be where I am today. I had to suffer, nearing my demise, in order to help others. I wouldn't trade that for the world. I am grateful to my ED for the lessons. And now, I am so ready to bury it, continue to heal and grow and learn, and give myself to others so that I can help them battle their demons and learn to love themselves.
I'm so excited to turn this page in my book.
To get to this place means everything to me.
For years, even before I knew it was happened, I struggled. I struggled with my weight, yes, but it has always been more than that. Older and wiser I realize this now. My self worth has been in the toilet for years upon years. I dug myself deeper with age. I thought I was supposed to let go of those things by this stage of my life. I thought I would have myself and my life a little more figured out by now. I thought I would have settled into some sort of self acceptance. Boy, was I wrong.
That's ok.
I'm finding more and more that not everyone pushing 30 or even beyond is at the place in their life where they thought they'd be. And that is so very ok. For the last few years especially I felt stagnant. I'm working an ok job but it has no potential. I had no clue what I wanted to do with my life although I tried different schools, basic community college, mulled over every 'reasonable' career choice out there. Nothing fit. Nothing felt right. Nothing was flashing neon signs and screaming my name. Until I decided to become a personal trainer. Even then I procrastinated. Would I be good at it? What do I know? How will I learn in five measley weeks? Having such a bad track record of self loathing and harming my body, how could I even begin to believe that I was someone who could help others learn to love themselves and take care of their bodies and their minds? On impulse, and with some very hard coaxing, I enrolled and I am so happy I did and so thankful for that kick in the ass that I needed.
I am pushing my mind harder than ever to be the best trainer that I can be (I am confident I will pass the test in two weeks). I am learning to network. I am reading into what opportunities lie within this field. And I'm finding that it is "wide open" as a trainer and wellness coach advised me. I can go anywhere and do anything I dream of within the wellness field. I have known from a very early age that I was meant to help others. I've said it for so many years but never quite knew where my voice was meant to boom. Now I know.
How does freedom from ED play into all this? I am now 100% confident that my experiences, as ugly and painful as they were, were fought so that I could be where I am today. I had to suffer, nearing my demise, in order to help others. I wouldn't trade that for the world. I am grateful to my ED for the lessons. And now, I am so ready to bury it, continue to heal and grow and learn, and give myself to others so that I can help them battle their demons and learn to love themselves.
I'm so excited to turn this page in my book.
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