I have a body.

I have a body.

What a silly, obvious thing to say, "I have a body."

For someone with an eating disorder or disordered eating mindset this can be a realization that is difficult to accept. For having a body means you have to look at it, look after it, nourish it, and take care of it. When you have urges and desires and needs they are to be met.

But when you are dealing with an ED mindset the drive to turn off those urges and desires and needs becomes painful and loud and often times unbearable. You long to escape the body you're trapped in, the body you hate to look at, look after, feed and nourish.

When the sad realization that you simply cannot discard of this body, this thing, this entrapment, every day can become a nightmare, or what I call a "silent hell."

This past week I had fallen back on restrictive ways. I had tasted the comfort of ED. The craziness, the physical pangs, I welcomed all of it with open arms. I was willing to throw away all the days that I struggled to maintain recovery, the mental well being, the physical health, all in the pursuit of "perfection." A perfection I never once obtained when in the darkest days of anorexia, a perfection I know intelligently does.not.exist.

Yet I keep striving for it.

At this juncture in my life the constant pull and back and forth is almost worse than the ED itself. I know the repercussions of restriction. I know all of these positive ways in which to keep my foot in the present and not give in. But that constant strive for perfection... it haunts me.

I used to say I felt like a fraud and that feeling has never felt more real to me than it does right now. I'm crippled by it. How can I possibly want to work in a field helping people to heal themselves when I can't even help myself?

Perfection, denied.

Each day, with each sunrise, I am forced to make a decision: Stay well or relapse. Most days I stand firm in my decision to move forward. Other days, well, it's a massive struggle. Some days I can accept that I am who I am, who I am becoming, and who I am meant to be in this world. Other days I'm simply not good enough. That feeling is almost as familiar as the body in which I reside.

Today, though, I chose recovery. Today I chose to stay present. Today I chose to recognize that I do not need to be anything more or other than who I am. Today perfection doesn't exist. Today I am content with just being me.

A New Body Reality.

I've made significant strides in the acceptance of my body.

I eat healthy. I exercise. I rest when needed. I don't sleep well (due to stress) but I'm working on it. I have completely omitted the word "fat" from my vocabulary. I am conscious of the content of my self talk. I am careful to push out negative thoughts just as soon as they start to appear. I treat myself with kindness. I focus on what my body can accomplish rather than how it looks in the mirror.

Yet still I would like to lose a little of what I call my "squishiness."

I follow a lot of body positive Facebook and Instagram accounts. I read about body positivity all the time and do my best to reenforce that concept within myself. It's working. I mean that in all honesty.  I feel really good about myself. I'm confident about my outer appearance because I am even more confident with who I am on the inside.

Yet I still would like to get back to the fit physique I had prior to the onset of ED.

 

June 2011

But then I had a thought today. What if the body I want isn't the body I am meant to have? What if my set point is where I'm at now?

By 'standards' I am average in size. I'm more physically capable than some and not nearly as much as others. I accept that.

I work hard to take care of my body but I know I am still battling some internal effects from my ED. I believe I have digestive issues that are making it very hard to lose any weight/inches. I accept that and I'm working to correct it. But I have to admit it's extremely frustrating.

I don't need to look exactly like that photo above. I think it would mean more to feel the way I did when I took that photo. I had just finished a five mile run with nearly no walking breaks. It was a huge accomplishment for me. The thought that I may not accomplish that again, not due to size but due to some physical pains, is crushing. I know how hard I worked to get to that point and some days I feel like I work 10x harder now.

Looking slim and fit was the icing on the cupcake for me. And yes I want that back. But what if I'm just not meant for it? How do I learn to accept a new reality?

I won't give up and I certainly won't fall back into harsh restrictive patterns in an attempt to achieve what I did once before. My mindset is stronger now. I'm doing right by myself. That is what matters most. I will continue to honor my body and my mind for what it can achieve.

The way I look on the outside is not my measure of success.

Letting Go of Bad Habits.

See also: Nothing changes if nothing changes.

After two hours and nearly seven miles something my friend said to me really made struck a nerve. I need to let go.

What I would say was the biggest factor in my anorexia and the continuity of disordered eating is control. When everything else in life is unsteady and not going as I would like I freak out and do what I know best, I exert extreme control over my eating. I haven't relapsed although I've teetered on the edge a few times. But it made me reassess my mental state when the going gets tough. It made me realize there are still some behaviors that do not serve me positively on any level and I need to let them go.

Marching into a second year of dealing with HA is frustrating to say the least. I have tried several medications, adjusted my diet, adjusted my exercising, and yet nothing seems to correct the problem. When I take on an outside point of view it seems rather obvious that changes need to be made. If what I've tried has not worked up to this point why do I continue to do the same things yet expect different results? That's preposterous!

I learned a lot from the intuitive eating challenge I took on in April. And while I continue to incorporate intuitive eating into my life, there is still that last bit of control that I need to sever ties with. I truly believe that I can heal my body holistically if I simply let go.

Today I am doing just that.

No more food logging. No more measuring. No more 'good foods/bad foods'. No more restriction.
No more weighing myself. No more scrutinizing myself in the mirror. No more pushing myself to extremes. No more stressing. NO MORE ABUSE.

From this day forward I am going to listen to my body. I will eat when I am hungry and I will eat what my body tells me it really needs (or sometimes just wants!). I will move in ways that make me feel strong and alive. I will rest when my body aches. I will laugh a hearty laugh when my soul needs it. I will meditate when I need centering.

I am going to stop worrying and truly start living.

So I'm unemployed.

Being unemployed sucks. I don't understand how some people prefer to not work. I am going absolutely bananas being home everyday. And I'm not even really home the entire time. I go to the gym, go to the park, go to the library, and run errands. I keep myself busy and out of the house as much as possible. But I know once the task at hand is over I am going home. Going home with no direction beyond that. Going home without having had really any interpersonal interaction.

What does having all of this time to one's self do to the mind - my mind? It's a breeding ground for relapse.

Yes, I admit it. I have been struggling to maintain balance for the last week. Some (most?) people may associate being home with that fear of becoming lazy, eating emotionally and thereby gaining weight. I associate being home with having too much time to overthink and drive myself crazy with negative self talk. Self talk about how I got myself into this situation, how I am doing nothing with myself right now, what good am I, how am I going to succeed, and so on and so forth.

In order to keep that talk at bay I keep myself busy and I keep myself moving. Not so bad, right? Well, for me, this seems to be sending me back into the throes of overexercising and restrictive/disordered eating. Negating any efforts to reverse my HA and stay on track with recovery. I am at the gym nearly everyday and I am walking and/or running every single day. Some people would question what is so wrong with that. We should be active and healthy, right? Of course. But I also know that rest (boy, how I hate that dirty little word) is also necessary. The thought of rest and being still terrifies me. How will I stay outside of my head if I don't have much else to focus on?

I do have moments of clarity. I have moments where I stop and remind myself that I am unemployed by choice because I felt a stronger pull toward something more fulfilling. I needed to get out of a bad working environment. I am no longer stagnant. I am actively working to accomplish a huge goal. It may not be happening at a quick or even the most steady pace but it is happening. I have faith in myself and in the universe. I have faith that my goals will be met and I will be propelled into something soul satisfying.

It just takes time.

I give myself credit for being vocal and conscious of my behavior this week. Although I may have taken a few steps back all is not lost. I know this is part of the process of recovery.

Today is a brand new day.

(via)

Living Intentionally.

Oh how true this is. I have always known who I am at my deepest core. I am a giver. I am a servant (not in a religious fashion). My goal in life since I was a child was to help people and make the world a better place. The problem was that I felt there were so many ways in which to do this that I felt lost in my life's purpose. How do I help others and help the world in the most fulfilling way possible? Where do I start?

I think starting is the hardest part of anything. Knowing where to line up takes patience and time. Here I am now at the age of 29 and it's finally happening. I have finally begun to figure out from where I need to launch. I made a promise to myself that this year would be it. It would be the year in which everything changes. It had to. I have felt stagnant for too long, felt too afraid to really seek and jump. Then something happened at the end of last year. I met someone who would become a huge advocate for the changes I needed to make, a friend who has grown to be so dear to me and I to him. He was the force I needed to have standing behind me, pushing me constantly to challenge myself and live my life with intention.

Intention (n): a determination to act in a certain way : resolve; significance

Yes, I can now say that I am honestly living my life with intention. How did I do it? There isn't a right or wrong way. You have to do what you feel is best for you in your present situation. What worked for me is:

1. Figure out what you're passionate about and do it. For me I knew I was passionate about wellness, nutrition and fitness. I decided to become a certified personal trainer to start so I enrolled in a five week program at the local community college. It's a great launching pad in this field and I've been learning that this field is as wide open as they come. I can do basically anything I would like to do.
2. Make the necessary changes that are in line with this passion. Probably the scariest thing I have ever done, I recently resigned from the job I've held for over seven years without having a solid platform to fall back on. I haven't ever felt so irresponsible yet so free. I can now reinvent myself. I can work any job, become anything I want to be without restriction. I am no longer tied to a position that does not serve or fulfill me.
3. Don't give up! I have my moments of doubt and impatience. I am human and I have fears. But how we use that fear is important. I've chosen to turn it around and face it head on. I have no idea what lies ahead for me and I fully embrace that. I embrace all of the unknown possibilities because I know they will be presented with purpose. Every situation with which we are faced is a lesson to learn and to grow. I have been extremely blessed with support, encouragement and love. That helps to keep me on my feet when I feel like falling down.

The next few weeks are going to be a true testament to my personal strength and my drive toward living a life of meaning. I am both terrified and excited for what's to come.