Fear.

I feel like I've challenged many deep rooted fears lately. The biggest one would be leaving my job of over seven years. The time had come and I knew what needed to be done. But I had nothing lined up behind that decision. I had no idea what came next and I had that dizzying fear of falling flat on my face. Still, I couldn't remain stagnant so I followed my heart and resigned. Two weeks later I landed an interview and the next day received a job offer. Excitedly I snatched up the opportunity and figured it was presented to me for a reason. I needed to find my next source of income and while it's far less of an income it's better than nothing. Right?

This new job I've accepted is not what my soul aches for. There is growth potential and it's a completely new field for me which is both exciting and scary. I'm not ruling out the possibility of liking it. Yet for the last few days I have had this nagging emotional feeling about it. I busted my butt through the personal training course. I've completed a third of my internship in a matter of days and nights this week. Getting into the health and fitness field is where I long to be. I understand and accept that it is going to take time to reach each of my goals. I understand and accept that I may need to 'suffer' through certain periods of time in order to stay afloat and ultimately get ahead. I don't expect anything to be easy nor do I even want it to be. Not at all. I rather enjoy putting in the work and earning my place. That makes reaching my goals so much more gratifying. I guess I have started to question if this is really the next step for me.

I've come to the realization that a standard 9-5 desk job is not for me. I did it for so long and it served its purpose but it is not where I see myself. I need flexibility. I need movement. I need a bit more freedom than that. I have, for far too long, been a slave to some sort of restriction and structure. I thought I couldn't handle spontaneity. I needed a plan and Heaven forbid a wrench be thrown into it. But that's not me anymore. I've freed myself from self imposed restraints. I feel so much more in tune with who I am at my core and really ready to live a more meaningful and fulfilling life.

I'm terrified to fall back into the trap of staying if something becomes comfortable. I fear following logic over instinct. I know these are conscious decisions that we all make and I can control whether or not I allow myself to be stagnant again. With the last job I kept telling myself I would one day get out. I worked at a slow pace to accomplish some things. I assured myself it would get better. Then seven years happened and I had to make a very tough decision to take a blind leap and force myself out of the nest. I don't want to wake up one day and be right back in that moment. I don't want history to repeat itself even unintentionally.

I have no idea what to do right now. Logically I feel I "should" give this new gig a fair try. What have I got to lose? I don't want to waste the company's time or my own though. And I don't want this new job to get in the way of pursuing what I really want to do. So now again I feel a bit trapped.

If you were in my position, what would you do?