Eat More.

Something an active anoretic hates hearing is "eat more." If it were as easy to "just eat" as many people tend to think then anorexia wouldn't be such an issue, now would it?

Fast forward to being in recovery. And hearing that although you've made great progress and have put on enough weight to be physically recovered 'you probably aren't consuming enough calories.' What?!

This is what I heard from a registered dietitian in-residence. From a dietary standpoint it doesn't sound as though I am eating enough in order to completely nourish my body and reverse the hypothalamic amenorrhea I've been experiencing for two years now. What was more concerning was her pointing out some behaviors and that being told to eat more and having a fear of weight gain translates to the fact that I still struggle with ED behavior even if I have made great strides in my recovery. The thought of eating more when I often feel I've eaten too much is scary for me. That I instinctually associated more food with more weight is of much concern to me. Intellectually I can discern that properly nourishing my body and reversing HA will solve my physical problems and my weight will stabilize. But deep down, locked in that cage with the key thrown away, ED tells me that eating more will make me fat no matter what.

I'm not really sure how to process this. I've been doing really well eating intuitively and I mentioned that during the conversation. I would likely feel as though I am force feeding myself in order to consume more calories. That is sort of damaging to the progress I've made in repairing my relationship with food. I certainly don't want to go backward in that respect but I also want my body to be back to 100%. So what do I do?

This woman gave me some other great suggestions that I intend to pursue, such as seeing new doctors and having my blood work checked. But those are easier in my eyes. Those are scientific and based on fact. Eating more and dealing with the emotions that are involved, drudging up the past and going in the ring with it for Round 2, are far more unappealing. It almost feels like the windows in my house of recovery have been cracked and soon the ghost of ED will seep in.

"The hardest part is getting started."

How true that is. I know I am a strong woman. I know I've battled far worse situations and I've overcome them. I know I can do this. I'm just not sure how to start.