So I'm unemployed.

Being unemployed sucks. I don't understand how some people prefer to not work. I am going absolutely bananas being home everyday. And I'm not even really home the entire time. I go to the gym, go to the park, go to the library, and run errands. I keep myself busy and out of the house as much as possible. But I know once the task at hand is over I am going home. Going home with no direction beyond that. Going home without having had really any interpersonal interaction.

What does having all of this time to one's self do to the mind - my mind? It's a breeding ground for relapse.

Yes, I admit it. I have been struggling to maintain balance for the last week. Some (most?) people may associate being home with that fear of becoming lazy, eating emotionally and thereby gaining weight. I associate being home with having too much time to overthink and drive myself crazy with negative self talk. Self talk about how I got myself into this situation, how I am doing nothing with myself right now, what good am I, how am I going to succeed, and so on and so forth.

In order to keep that talk at bay I keep myself busy and I keep myself moving. Not so bad, right? Well, for me, this seems to be sending me back into the throes of overexercising and restrictive/disordered eating. Negating any efforts to reverse my HA and stay on track with recovery. I am at the gym nearly everyday and I am walking and/or running every single day. Some people would question what is so wrong with that. We should be active and healthy, right? Of course. But I also know that rest (boy, how I hate that dirty little word) is also necessary. The thought of rest and being still terrifies me. How will I stay outside of my head if I don't have much else to focus on?

I do have moments of clarity. I have moments where I stop and remind myself that I am unemployed by choice because I felt a stronger pull toward something more fulfilling. I needed to get out of a bad working environment. I am no longer stagnant. I am actively working to accomplish a huge goal. It may not be happening at a quick or even the most steady pace but it is happening. I have faith in myself and in the universe. I have faith that my goals will be met and I will be propelled into something soul satisfying.

It just takes time.

I give myself credit for being vocal and conscious of my behavior this week. Although I may have taken a few steps back all is not lost. I know this is part of the process of recovery.

Today is a brand new day.


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