A New Body Reality.

I've made significant strides in the acceptance of my body.

I eat healthy. I exercise. I rest when needed. I don't sleep well (due to stress) but I'm working on it. I have completely omitted the word "fat" from my vocabulary. I am conscious of the content of my self talk. I am careful to push out negative thoughts just as soon as they start to appear. I treat myself with kindness. I focus on what my body can accomplish rather than how it looks in the mirror.

Yet still I would like to lose a little of what I call my "squishiness."

I follow a lot of body positive Facebook and Instagram accounts. I read about body positivity all the time and do my best to reenforce that concept within myself. It's working. I mean that in all honesty.  I feel really good about myself. I'm confident about my outer appearance because I am even more confident with who I am on the inside.

Yet I still would like to get back to the fit physique I had prior to the onset of ED.

June 2011

But then I had a thought today. What if the body I want isn't the body I am meant to have? What if my set point is where I'm at now?

By 'standards' I am average in size. I'm more physically capable than some and not nearly as much as others. I accept that.

I work hard to take care of my body but I know I am still battling some internal effects from my ED. I believe I have digestive issues that are making it very hard to lose any weight/inches. I accept that and I'm working to correct it. But I have to admit it's extremely frustrating.

I don't need to look exactly like that photo above. I think it would mean more to feel the way I did when I took that photo. I had just finished a five mile run with nearly no walking breaks. It was a huge accomplishment for me. The thought that I may not accomplish that again, not due to size but due to some physical pains, is crushing. I know how hard I worked to get to that point and some days I feel like I work 10x harder now.

Looking slim and fit was the icing on the cupcake for me. And yes I want that back. But what if I'm just not meant for it? How do I learn to accept a new reality?

I won't give up and I certainly won't fall back into harsh restrictive patterns in an attempt to achieve what I did once before. My mindset is stronger now. I'm doing right by myself. That is what matters most. I will continue to honor my body and my mind for what it can achieve.

The way I look on the outside is not my measure of success.

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