Letting Go of Bad Habits.

See also: Nothing changes if nothing changes.

After two hours and nearly seven miles something my friend said to me really made struck a nerve. I need to let go.

What I would say was the biggest factor in my anorexia and the continuity of disordered eating is control. When everything else in life is unsteady and not going as I would like I freak out and do what I know best, I exert extreme control over my eating. I haven't relapsed although I've teetered on the edge a few times. But it made me reassess my mental state when the going gets tough. It made me realize there are still some behaviors that do not serve me positively on any level and I need to let them go.

Marching into a second year of dealing with HA is frustrating to say the least. I have tried several medications, adjusted my diet, adjusted my exercising, and yet nothing seems to correct the problem. When I take on an outside point of view it seems rather obvious that changes need to be made. If what I've tried has not worked up to this point why do I continue to do the same things yet expect different results? That's preposterous!

I learned a lot from the intuitive eating challenge I took on in April. And while I continue to incorporate intuitive eating into my life, there is still that last bit of control that I need to sever ties with. I truly believe that I can heal my body holistically if I simply let go.

Today I am doing just that.

No more food logging. No more measuring. No more 'good foods/bad foods'. No more restriction.
No more weighing myself. No more scrutinizing myself in the mirror. No more pushing myself to extremes. No more stressing. NO MORE ABUSE.

From this day forward I am going to listen to my body. I will eat when I am hungry and I will eat what my body tells me it really needs (or sometimes just wants!). I will move in ways that make me feel strong and alive. I will rest when my body aches. I will laugh a hearty laugh when my soul needs it. I will meditate when I need centering.

I am going to stop worrying and truly start living.

Dependency.

If I had to choose three words to describe myself one would surely be independent. I am fully capable of taking care of myself, thinking for myself, making my own decisions, taking care of my finances. You name it.   I don't rely on anyone for anything. Not that it's necessarily bad if you do (unless you're taking advantage of someone obviously), but I pride myself on being independent and free of need. I have busted my hump for years to save money, to learn to rely on my instincts and know that I know what is truly best for me, and to take control of my life in every area possible. So when something goes amiss it's usually difficult for me to accept.

You mean I have to rely on someone else? Ask for help? How do I do that when I have been relying on myself for so long?

This is a situation with which I'm faced at the moment. It's nothing terrible. It's nothing that is long term. The auto shop caused a problem and can't fix it until next week when they can get a part. It's an awful inconvenience, sure. Yet I'm not thinking of it as a case of "bad luck." No, I've decided to turn it around.

It's an opportunity for me to learn how to depend on others.

I will have to cancel my internship hours tomorrow which is a huge bummer, but it isn't the end of the world. I start training for my new job on Monday and have another shot at internship hours on Tuesday. What's great is that these occur while my mom is working and she has agreed to again lend me her car as she did today. That solves that. It is going to be a little maddening being stuck home all weekend, save for any time I can borrow the car to run errands. But I have things I can do that I have been feverishly avoiding and I will be forced have time to spend with my sister and niece who are coming by for the weekend. See, optimism at its finest!

I struggle with asking for help. It's not that it makes me feel weak or needy. It's not that I don't have a few people on whom I can rely. It's just frustrating to be in a position that is out of my control and which forces me to feel as though I am inconveniencing someone else. It really is as simple as that. I like doing things myself and when I can't I have a hard time with it. I'm stubborn! But it's these times that show me on whom I can truly rely. It shows me that people love and care for me and are willing to go out of their way to help me. And that can't possibly ever be a negative.

I'm choosing to turn this little blip into something positive. I could let it bother me and go bananas on the shop for screwing things up. But they owned up to it. They apologized and even offered to pay for a rental which I declined. They were willing to go above and beyond and in turn I am willing to be patient and understanding.

Positivity will always beget positivity.