Yesterday I started thinking about my goals and where I'd like to be in the not too distant future. I was pondering how I wanted to be when I come out on the other side. I started to mentally make some lists of what/who I do and do not want to be.
I don't want to be...
...a big shot Hollywood trainer.
...an exercise DVD guru.
...stick thin.
...a fitness model.
...an object of envy.
...financially rich.
I do want to be...
...an inspiration.
...motivational.
...a source of comfort.
...one who teaches.
...one who practices what she preaches.
...personally successful.
Stepping into the health and fitness field feels like I've finally emerged from my cocoon. It's where I was meant to be. It's natural for me. Did I always think this is where I wanted to be? Absolutely not! But I did know I wanted to work in a field that would enable me to help people one on one. I never quite knew how or how to even go about figuring it out. I trusted that in time it would come to me and finally it has.
I feel very reflective this morning. More answers have been revealed to me. I can now make sense of certain situations and the lessons they afforded me. I can now see how I got to this place. I am grateful for each and every bit of it.
I really want to help people realize their full potential as well. I want to show them that perseverance may be painful at times but it is rewarding.
We are all capable of wonderful things. We just need to believe in ourselves.
Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts
Unplugging.
Technology and constant stimulation are a big part of most people's lives. I too am guilty. But as I get older I prefer more downtime. I prefer quietness. I value being alone. I would rather be outside in nature than bogged down by electronics. I like the simple things.
This morning I drove out to the gym only to quickly pull away and head to the park. Intuitively I felt drawn to being outdoors rather than being surrounded by strangers and equipment. I also decided to forgo strapping on my iPod and was glad I didn't have my GPS watch with me. This meant no distractions and no monitoring of time or distance. It was me and nature. It was without boundaries.
It felt incredible to be able to really marvel at the world around me, the trees, the flowers, the sound of birds chirping, the wind against my skin. So often these fade into the background and go by unnoticed and unappreciated. Today though these simple things were exponentially beautiful to me.
Admittedly I got lost in thought from time to time. Having no distractions affords a lot of time to think, to create and to connect. I was able to sift through ideas and situations without outside influence. I felt a bit more clarity afterward. I often felt a smile involuntarily spread across my face.
What I also enjoyed about my morning stroll was being able to feel a little more connected to the others who were walking in the park. Normally I would be running by and would give a brief smile and hello. But today I was able to offer a genuine smile, a more meaningful Hello, and in one case a very short interaction. I think we are so consumed with ourselves and what we are doing that we go through life with our heads down and eyes averted. I cannot explain how amazing and warm it feels to connect with a stranger even if it is for a brief moment.
And all of this happened by simply leaving the gadgets behind and going back to the basics. It's amazing what can happen and how you can feel when you slow down.
What Being Vegan Means to Me.
During my recent stay with my dad's side of the family my plant based lifestyle has become a common topic at the dinner table. Everyone is worried about what I can eat. Everyone is wondering if I still eat fish or can have cheese (goodness gracious with these questions!). At one point I even heard, "Oh you're so good about it. You're so dedicated." It was meant as though I was merely following a strict diet although I know no disrespect to my lifestyle was meant. And while I've been solid in my decision and my beliefs I started to think more about what it all meant to me over the last year.
Initially I adopted a vegan lifestyle after just shy of a year of vegetarianism. I was beginning recovery from anorexia and wanted to be sure I was healing my body in the most natural way. I went vegan for health reasons but shortly after I started reading more into the animal abuse side of things. My passion and my dedication grew, especially after watching the documentary Forks Over Knives. I have continued to educate myself over the last year and have done my best to compassionately share this knowledge with my carnivorous family and friends. I very much respect everyone's choices to eat as they do and do my best to not come off as one of those pushy preachy people. I simply want to share what I have learned so that we can all nurture our bodies and take care of the planet in the best possible way.
Recently though I've begun to see my plant based lifestyle in a more spiritual light. My decision to eat foods in their natural state makes me feel more connected to the world around me. Since childhood I have been such an advocate for environmental awareness and this seems like a natural extension of that. Eating a whole foods plant based diet, eating locally grown foods when possible, is one of the best things we can do not only for our bodies but also for the environment. For me I feel as though that is my way of giving back to Mother Earth.
It also brings about more consciousness in other areas as well. I have completely nixed consuming bottled water. I haven't used a paper plate in the longest time. I use reusable containers for nearly everything rather than snack bags and also use my own bags when grocery shopping. My spending habits have significantly decreased as I do my best to consume all that I have first before purchasing more. I am overall more aware of what comes in and what goes out. Following a plant based lifestyle has extended far beyond food. I feel like a better human being overall. And with this I feel more connected, more grounded, and more soulfully satisfied.
Following a plant based lifestyle is not about deprivation. It isn't about giving things up. It's about being aware. It's about nurturing. It's about exploring (I've tried more foods and flavors as a vegan than an omnivore). It's about giving back to the planet and to the animals who inhabit it. It's about kindness. It's about taking care of your body, your mind, and your spirit.
Won't you considering joining me?
For more information please visit:
Happy Herbivore
Forks Over Knives
VRG: Veganism in a Nutshell
Vegsource
The Vegan Voice
Initially I adopted a vegan lifestyle after just shy of a year of vegetarianism. I was beginning recovery from anorexia and wanted to be sure I was healing my body in the most natural way. I went vegan for health reasons but shortly after I started reading more into the animal abuse side of things. My passion and my dedication grew, especially after watching the documentary Forks Over Knives. I have continued to educate myself over the last year and have done my best to compassionately share this knowledge with my carnivorous family and friends. I very much respect everyone's choices to eat as they do and do my best to not come off as one of those pushy preachy people. I simply want to share what I have learned so that we can all nurture our bodies and take care of the planet in the best possible way.
Recently though I've begun to see my plant based lifestyle in a more spiritual light. My decision to eat foods in their natural state makes me feel more connected to the world around me. Since childhood I have been such an advocate for environmental awareness and this seems like a natural extension of that. Eating a whole foods plant based diet, eating locally grown foods when possible, is one of the best things we can do not only for our bodies but also for the environment. For me I feel as though that is my way of giving back to Mother Earth.
It also brings about more consciousness in other areas as well. I have completely nixed consuming bottled water. I haven't used a paper plate in the longest time. I use reusable containers for nearly everything rather than snack bags and also use my own bags when grocery shopping. My spending habits have significantly decreased as I do my best to consume all that I have first before purchasing more. I am overall more aware of what comes in and what goes out. Following a plant based lifestyle has extended far beyond food. I feel like a better human being overall. And with this I feel more connected, more grounded, and more soulfully satisfied.
Following a plant based lifestyle is not about deprivation. It isn't about giving things up. It's about being aware. It's about nurturing. It's about exploring (I've tried more foods and flavors as a vegan than an omnivore). It's about giving back to the planet and to the animals who inhabit it. It's about kindness. It's about taking care of your body, your mind, and your spirit.
Won't you considering joining me?
For more information please visit:
Happy Herbivore
Forks Over Knives
VRG: Veganism in a Nutshell
Vegsource
The Vegan Voice
In Loving Memory...
If there is one thing I learned from my wonderful grandpa it would be to live life to the fullest. It sounds rather cliche but that is exactly the way in which he lived. He and my grandma were always on the go. They were very involved in and dedicated to their community, their church, and the UNICO National organization. My grandpa would meet with "the guys" at the local diner for breakfast. He was in charge of Bingo at the church every week. He was a dedicated family man and just last month celebrated 60 amazing years of marriage with my beautiful grandma. There are no words to describe what an incredible soul he was.
My heart is so heavy and so shattered right now. I am weighed down by the guilt of living not that far but far enough away. My mind is flooded with so many memories and his voice. Over and over again I hear his voice, "Hiya, Kris!" "When are we going to see you again? We miss you." He would always shove a $20 bill in my hand when I left even when I insisted it wasn't necessary, "Here's some gas money."
The next time I walk into the apartment he won't be sitting in his recliner watching TV or working on his computer. He won't walk into the kitchen and sit down to eat with us. He won't get to see his precious great granddaughter grow up or meet his great grandson. Never again will I hear my grandma shout "Mickey!" or "D'Arminio!" I won't see him and his gang at breakfast at the Arena Diner. I cannot believe I will never see him again.
No matter how far apart we were I loved him dearly and I know he knew that. I know he did. I know he asked about me and looked forward to my visits. I know how much he loved us all. He was always supportive and without judgement.
I know I am mourning the physical but that his spirit will always live on inside of me. I am so grateful to have been able to call him Grandpa.
I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU. UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN, SWEET MAN. I LOVE YOU!
My heart is so heavy and so shattered right now. I am weighed down by the guilt of living not that far but far enough away. My mind is flooded with so many memories and his voice. Over and over again I hear his voice, "Hiya, Kris!" "When are we going to see you again? We miss you." He would always shove a $20 bill in my hand when I left even when I insisted it wasn't necessary, "Here's some gas money."
The next time I walk into the apartment he won't be sitting in his recliner watching TV or working on his computer. He won't walk into the kitchen and sit down to eat with us. He won't get to see his precious great granddaughter grow up or meet his great grandson. Never again will I hear my grandma shout "Mickey!" or "D'Arminio!" I won't see him and his gang at breakfast at the Arena Diner. I cannot believe I will never see him again.
No matter how far apart we were I loved him dearly and I know he knew that. I know he did. I know he asked about me and looked forward to my visits. I know how much he loved us all. He was always supportive and without judgement.
I know I am mourning the physical but that his spirit will always live on inside of me. I am so grateful to have been able to call him Grandpa.
I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU. UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN, SWEET MAN. I LOVE YOU!
Authenticity vs Conformity
As far back as I can recall I have always considered myself different, an outsider, a rebel, unique. Moreover I have always stayed true to myself. I wore whatever I wanted. I styled my hair differently and dyed it different colors. I didn't match and I didn't care. I didn't look like "normal" kids. I didn't worry about fitting in. All that mattered was that I stayed true to my core and visually expressed who I was on the inside.
For some that goes away once you've entered adulthood. That didn't happen to me. I never conformed to a societal norm of how to look or how to act. Who I am on the inside has grown and maybe I am not as spunky on the outside anymore but there are still certain ways in which I externally express myself, mainly tattoos and piercings.
I haven't ever cared what anyone thought of my tattoos or piercings. They are a part of who I am. Honestly I forget they are there until someone stares or asks me about them. Every bit of ink in my skin has meaning to me. And well, the piercings are something I enjoy. I do not look 'freakish' nor do I adorn my body with anything offensive.
I have always and will always have the attitude that this is me, take it or leave it.
Usually this isn't a problem. I seldom feel judged or like an outcast for the way that I look. My tattoos and piercings haven't ever been an issue when it came to dating, making friends or my job. Body modifications have become extremely mainstream. However there are still people and places who find them to be unacceptable for a professional appearance.
My brand new place of employment, a large retail chain, states in their handbook that tattoos must be covered and piercings are not allowed except in the ears. Had I known this I would not have applied for the job. This kept me from applying for another large company but I respect them for being upfront about it. I was asked on my date of hire to cover the tattoos and I agreed. Did I like it? Absolutely not but I would manage. Then today, my first day of training, it was brought to my attention that after further discussion I would need to wear a clear retainer in place of my Monroe. This comes after I had already been told that since I was hired with it in I would be able to wear it. And quite frankly I feel this is extremely unfair.
During my job search these last few months I was adamant about finding a job that would except me as I am. If a company was going to discriminate based upon body modifications then it wouldn't be the place for me. I still believe that.
I feel stifled. At this age this is not the way I want to feel. Especially for a part time job. Yet I feel like in this moment I have no choice. I have bills to pay and I need flexibility in order to complete my internship. And so again I feel stuck. A feeling I worked so hard to escape has now come back around and smacked me in the face.
I don't see this lasting very long as I cannot be in a place that does not foster individuality.
For some that goes away once you've entered adulthood. That didn't happen to me. I never conformed to a societal norm of how to look or how to act. Who I am on the inside has grown and maybe I am not as spunky on the outside anymore but there are still certain ways in which I externally express myself, mainly tattoos and piercings.
I haven't ever cared what anyone thought of my tattoos or piercings. They are a part of who I am. Honestly I forget they are there until someone stares or asks me about them. Every bit of ink in my skin has meaning to me. And well, the piercings are something I enjoy. I do not look 'freakish' nor do I adorn my body with anything offensive.
I have always and will always have the attitude that this is me, take it or leave it.
Usually this isn't a problem. I seldom feel judged or like an outcast for the way that I look. My tattoos and piercings haven't ever been an issue when it came to dating, making friends or my job. Body modifications have become extremely mainstream. However there are still people and places who find them to be unacceptable for a professional appearance.
My brand new place of employment, a large retail chain, states in their handbook that tattoos must be covered and piercings are not allowed except in the ears. Had I known this I would not have applied for the job. This kept me from applying for another large company but I respect them for being upfront about it. I was asked on my date of hire to cover the tattoos and I agreed. Did I like it? Absolutely not but I would manage. Then today, my first day of training, it was brought to my attention that after further discussion I would need to wear a clear retainer in place of my Monroe. This comes after I had already been told that since I was hired with it in I would be able to wear it. And quite frankly I feel this is extremely unfair.
During my job search these last few months I was adamant about finding a job that would except me as I am. If a company was going to discriminate based upon body modifications then it wouldn't be the place for me. I still believe that.
I feel stifled. At this age this is not the way I want to feel. Especially for a part time job. Yet I feel like in this moment I have no choice. I have bills to pay and I need flexibility in order to complete my internship. And so again I feel stuck. A feeling I worked so hard to escape has now come back around and smacked me in the face.
I don't see this lasting very long as I cannot be in a place that does not foster individuality.
Letting Go of Bad Habits.
After two hours and nearly seven miles something my friend said to me really made struck a nerve. I need to let go.
What I would say was the biggest factor in my anorexia and the continuity of disordered eating is control. When everything else in life is unsteady and not going as I would like I freak out and do what I know best, I exert extreme control over my eating. I haven't relapsed although I've teetered on the edge a few times. But it made me reassess my mental state when the going gets tough. It made me realize there are still some behaviors that do not serve me positively on any level and I need to let them go.
Marching into a second year of dealing with HA is frustrating to say the least. I have tried several medications, adjusted my diet, adjusted my exercising, and yet nothing seems to correct the problem. When I take on an outside point of view it seems rather obvious that changes need to be made. If what I've tried has not worked up to this point why do I continue to do the same things yet expect different results? That's preposterous!
I learned a lot from the intuitive eating challenge I took on in April. And while I continue to incorporate intuitive eating into my life, there is still that last bit of control that I need to sever ties with. I truly believe that I can heal my body holistically if I simply let go.
Today I am doing just that.
No more food logging. No more measuring. No more 'good foods/bad foods'. No more restriction.
No more weighing myself. No more scrutinizing myself in the mirror. No more pushing myself to extremes. No more stressing. NO MORE ABUSE.
From this day forward I am going to listen to my body. I will eat when I am hungry and I will eat what my body tells me it really needs (or sometimes just wants!). I will move in ways that make me feel strong and alive. I will rest when my body aches. I will laugh a hearty laugh when my soul needs it. I will meditate when I need centering.
I am going to stop worrying and truly start living.
So I'm unemployed.
Being unemployed sucks. I don't understand how some people prefer to not work. I am going absolutely bananas being home everyday. And I'm not even really home the entire time. I go to the gym, go to the park, go to the library, and run errands. I keep myself busy and out of the house as much as possible. But I know once the task at hand is over I am going home. Going home with no direction beyond that. Going home without having had really any interpersonal interaction.
What does having all of this time to one's self do to the mind - my mind? It's a breeding ground for relapse.
Yes, I admit it. I have been struggling to maintain balance for the last week. Some (most?) people may associate being home with that fear of becoming lazy, eating emotionally and thereby gaining weight. I associate being home with having too much time to overthink and drive myself crazy with negative self talk. Self talk about how I got myself into this situation, how I am doing nothing with myself right now, what good am I, how am I going to succeed, and so on and so forth.
In order to keep that talk at bay I keep myself busy and I keep myself moving. Not so bad, right? Well, for me, this seems to be sending me back into the throes of overexercising and restrictive/disordered eating. Negating any efforts to reverse my HA and stay on track with recovery. I am at the gym nearly everyday and I am walking and/or running every single day. Some people would question what is so wrong with that. We should be active and healthy, right? Of course. But I also know that rest (boy, how I hate that dirty little word) is also necessary. The thought of rest and being still terrifies me. How will I stay outside of my head if I don't have much else to focus on?
I do have moments of clarity. I have moments where I stop and remind myself that I am unemployed by choice because I felt a stronger pull toward something more fulfilling. I needed to get out of a bad working environment. I am no longer stagnant. I am actively working to accomplish a huge goal. It may not be happening at a quick or even the most steady pace but it is happening. I have faith in myself and in the universe. I have faith that my goals will be met and I will be propelled into something soul satisfying.
It just takes time.
I give myself credit for being vocal and conscious of my behavior this week. Although I may have taken a few steps back all is not lost. I know this is part of the process of recovery.
Today is a brand new day.
What does having all of this time to one's self do to the mind - my mind? It's a breeding ground for relapse.
Yes, I admit it. I have been struggling to maintain balance for the last week. Some (most?) people may associate being home with that fear of becoming lazy, eating emotionally and thereby gaining weight. I associate being home with having too much time to overthink and drive myself crazy with negative self talk. Self talk about how I got myself into this situation, how I am doing nothing with myself right now, what good am I, how am I going to succeed, and so on and so forth.
In order to keep that talk at bay I keep myself busy and I keep myself moving. Not so bad, right? Well, for me, this seems to be sending me back into the throes of overexercising and restrictive/disordered eating. Negating any efforts to reverse my HA and stay on track with recovery. I am at the gym nearly everyday and I am walking and/or running every single day. Some people would question what is so wrong with that. We should be active and healthy, right? Of course. But I also know that rest (boy, how I hate that dirty little word) is also necessary. The thought of rest and being still terrifies me. How will I stay outside of my head if I don't have much else to focus on?
I do have moments of clarity. I have moments where I stop and remind myself that I am unemployed by choice because I felt a stronger pull toward something more fulfilling. I needed to get out of a bad working environment. I am no longer stagnant. I am actively working to accomplish a huge goal. It may not be happening at a quick or even the most steady pace but it is happening. I have faith in myself and in the universe. I have faith that my goals will be met and I will be propelled into something soul satisfying.
It just takes time.
I give myself credit for being vocal and conscious of my behavior this week. Although I may have taken a few steps back all is not lost. I know this is part of the process of recovery.
Today is a brand new day.
(via)
Fear.
I feel like I've challenged many deep rooted fears lately. The biggest one would be leaving my job of over seven years. The time had come and I knew what needed to be done. But I had nothing lined up behind that decision. I had no idea what came next and I had that dizzying fear of falling flat on my face. Still, I couldn't remain stagnant so I followed my heart and resigned. Two weeks later I landed an interview and the next day received a job offer. Excitedly I snatched up the opportunity and figured it was presented to me for a reason. I needed to find my next source of income and while it's far less of an income it's better than nothing. Right?
This new job I've accepted is not what my soul aches for. There is growth potential and it's a completely new field for me which is both exciting and scary. I'm not ruling out the possibility of liking it. Yet for the last few days I have had this nagging emotional feeling about it. I busted my butt through the personal training course. I've completed a third of my internship in a matter of days and nights this week. Getting into the health and fitness field is where I long to be. I understand and accept that it is going to take time to reach each of my goals. I understand and accept that I may need to 'suffer' through certain periods of time in order to stay afloat and ultimately get ahead. I don't expect anything to be easy nor do I even want it to be. Not at all. I rather enjoy putting in the work and earning my place. That makes reaching my goals so much more gratifying. I guess I have started to question if this is really the next step for me.
I've come to the realization that a standard 9-5 desk job is not for me. I did it for so long and it served its purpose but it is not where I see myself. I need flexibility. I need movement. I need a bit more freedom than that. I have, for far too long, been a slave to some sort of restriction and structure. I thought I couldn't handle spontaneity. I needed a plan and Heaven forbid a wrench be thrown into it. But that's not me anymore. I've freed myself from self imposed restraints. I feel so much more in tune with who I am at my core and really ready to live a more meaningful and fulfilling life.
I'm terrified to fall back into the trap of staying if something becomes comfortable. I fear following logic over instinct. I know these are conscious decisions that we all make and I can control whether or not I allow myself to be stagnant again. With the last job I kept telling myself I would one day get out. I worked at a slow pace to accomplish some things. I assured myself it would get better. Then seven years happened and I had to make a very tough decision to take a blind leap and force myself out of the nest. I don't want to wake up one day and be right back in that moment. I don't want history to repeat itself even unintentionally.
I have no idea what to do right now. Logically I feel I "should" give this new gig a fair try. What have I got to lose? I don't want to waste the company's time or my own though. And I don't want this new job to get in the way of pursuing what I really want to do. So now again I feel a bit trapped.
If you were in my position, what would you do?
Living Intentionally.
Oh how true this is. I have always known who I am at my deepest core. I am a giver. I am a servant (not in a religious fashion). My goal in life since I was a child was to help people and make the world a better place. The problem was that I felt there were so many ways in which to do this that I felt lost in my life's purpose. How do I help others and help the world in the most fulfilling way possible? Where do I start?
I think starting is the hardest part of anything. Knowing where to line up takes patience and time. Here I am now at the age of 29 and it's finally happening. I have finally begun to figure out from where I need to launch. I made a promise to myself that this year would be it. It would be the year in which everything changes. It had to. I have felt stagnant for too long, felt too afraid to really seek and jump. Then something happened at the end of last year. I met someone who would become a huge advocate for the changes I needed to make, a friend who has grown to be so dear to me and I to him. He was the force I needed to have standing behind me, pushing me constantly to challenge myself and live my life with intention.
Intention (n): a determination to act in a certain way : resolve; significance
Yes, I can now say that I am honestly living my life with intention. How did I do it? There isn't a right or wrong way. You have to do what you feel is best for you in your present situation. What worked for me is:
1. Figure out what you're passionate about and do it. For me I knew I was passionate about wellness, nutrition and fitness. I decided to become a certified personal trainer to start so I enrolled in a five week program at the local community college. It's a great launching pad in this field and I've been learning that this field is as wide open as they come. I can do basically anything I would like to do.
2. Make the necessary changes that are in line with this passion. Probably the scariest thing I have ever done, I recently resigned from the job I've held for over seven years without having a solid platform to fall back on. I haven't ever felt so irresponsible yet so free. I can now reinvent myself. I can work any job, become anything I want to be without restriction. I am no longer tied to a position that does not serve or fulfill me.
3. Don't give up! I have my moments of doubt and impatience. I am human and I have fears. But how we use that fear is important. I've chosen to turn it around and face it head on. I have no idea what lies ahead for me and I fully embrace that. I embrace all of the unknown possibilities because I know they will be presented with purpose. Every situation with which we are faced is a lesson to learn and to grow. I have been extremely blessed with support, encouragement and love. That helps to keep me on my feet when I feel like falling down.
The next few weeks are going to be a true testament to my personal strength and my drive toward living a life of meaning. I am both terrified and excited for what's to come.
Intuitive Eating Week 1
It's called a challenge for a reason and that is exactly what it is. Since beginning the Intuitive Eating Challenge I have begun a pretty hard journey toward listening to my body rather than my mind when it comes to food.
Food has long been a comfort and a stressor for me. I eat when I'm bored, tired, upset, hating myself although not too frequently when I feel I'm in a fine state of mind. Then that nasty guilt sets in and I hate everything about everything and want to hide under the blankets until I'm done feeling like a fat mess. An issue I have been facing in the last few months is a frequent physical feeling of hunger. I know it started when I began taking hormones to reverse amenorrhea and stay with me while I took a regular low dose birth control pill. I've since stopped since the hormones were making me feel legit crazy but that physical feeling of hunger still plagues me some times. What gives?!
I often blame my conscious self. Maybe it's all in my head. Maybe it's a cover up for whatever I'm feeling deep down that I'm struggling to deal with on the surface. But what if it's more than that and I'm beating myself up for nothing? What if my hormones are still a bit out of whack (which I do sort of believe)? How do you become more in tune with your physical body when you aren't really sure what could be going on in there?
All things considered I think I'm doing pretty well so far. I've been learning to put down the food and walk away (most times) when I catch myself overmunching. Sometimes though I go with it until I feel a little more than full, then I feel guilty and vow to remember that feeling so that I won't become a repeat offender. I had my lack of control tested over the weekend when I went out to eat with Dad and surprisingly did not have any guilty feelings afterward - not even for eating a few fries! I'm still working on figuring out cravings and deciding what I really want to eat over what seems practical and available. I'm only a week in but I do feel as though I've taken some big steps forward.
From where I was a year ago beginning ED recovery I don't think I could have imagined being in this place right now and having so much support in building a better mentality toward food. I had sort of resigned myself to the belief that food would always be, in some way, a struggle for me. Now I know that isn't the truth at all.
Recovery was step one.
The next, learning to eat and live intuitively.
I think I am more than ready.
Food has long been a comfort and a stressor for me. I eat when I'm bored, tired, upset, hating myself although not too frequently when I feel I'm in a fine state of mind. Then that nasty guilt sets in and I hate everything about everything and want to hide under the blankets until I'm done feeling like a fat mess. An issue I have been facing in the last few months is a frequent physical feeling of hunger. I know it started when I began taking hormones to reverse amenorrhea and stay with me while I took a regular low dose birth control pill. I've since stopped since the hormones were making me feel legit crazy but that physical feeling of hunger still plagues me some times. What gives?!
I often blame my conscious self. Maybe it's all in my head. Maybe it's a cover up for whatever I'm feeling deep down that I'm struggling to deal with on the surface. But what if it's more than that and I'm beating myself up for nothing? What if my hormones are still a bit out of whack (which I do sort of believe)? How do you become more in tune with your physical body when you aren't really sure what could be going on in there?
All things considered I think I'm doing pretty well so far. I've been learning to put down the food and walk away (most times) when I catch myself overmunching. Sometimes though I go with it until I feel a little more than full, then I feel guilty and vow to remember that feeling so that I won't become a repeat offender. I had my lack of control tested over the weekend when I went out to eat with Dad and surprisingly did not have any guilty feelings afterward - not even for eating a few fries! I'm still working on figuring out cravings and deciding what I really want to eat over what seems practical and available. I'm only a week in but I do feel as though I've taken some big steps forward.
From where I was a year ago beginning ED recovery I don't think I could have imagined being in this place right now and having so much support in building a better mentality toward food. I had sort of resigned myself to the belief that food would always be, in some way, a struggle for me. Now I know that isn't the truth at all.
Recovery was step one.
The next, learning to eat and live intuitively.
I think I am more than ready.
Terrible Tues.
I'm not entirely sure what it is about Tuesdays lately but they leave me feeling flat. I have been on cloud nine recently. I was overly excited about every little thing in life just last night. But this morning, this particular Tuesday, I woke up feeling unlike my 'new norm.' I also woke up with food guilt.
Yesterday was Day One of Jamie's 21 Day Intuitive Eating Challenge. I signed up for this challenge as a means to finally, after so many dirty struggles, repair my relationship with food. The objective yesterday was to eat whatever you want whenever you want. I struggled a little with giving up on measuring all of my foods but I did allow for plenty of wiggle room. I was fine with my eating all day... until I walked in the door at midnight with a slightly grumbly tummy. While I didn't gorge on junk food I was remorseful for eating too much of the good stuff. I woke up with that guilt lying right beside me. Welcome to Day Two - Let's Stop Judging Ourselves. I most definitely, no matter how far away from ED I have come, still feel pangs of self judgement from time to time after I eat. That is definitely part of the problem today.
And I hate it. Not that anyone would love it. But I truly loathe this feeling.
I have spent countless hours reading on eating disorder recovery from medical type books and articles to memoirs and blog posts. My old therapist told me I had a really good handle on my recovery process because of all of this. So why do I still worry about food? And furthermore why do I still worry about that God forsaken scale?
I've read a few blog posts lately with the same theme - thinking that when you reach a certain weight your life will really begin and you will finally be happy. Well, I've been a decent amount of numbers all the way down to 102 and let me tell you happiness cannot be measured in numbers. Yet I still have that nagging feeling way down deep in my brain. That does not mean I am not happy in this present moment. I most certainly am. I have accomplished so much in even just the last few months let alone the last year. I finally feel like I am right where I belong and working toward achieving so many goals I have set for myself, and I'm looking forward - without fear - to what else is going to come my way. My positivity has bred more positivity. I am absolutely IN LOVE with life. But I guess when things are going so well there has to be some sort of bump in the road to keep things interesting, right? To remind you that you are still human and falter? To remind you of your strength and how you got to this very moment?
Today's objective is a tough one for me. I struggle with self judgement even beyond my eating habits. I have long been a perfectionist - my own worst enemy - and only recently have I been learning how to be my own best friend. How do you wave a white flag when it comes to yourself? How do you resign yourself to just being who you really are in this present moment? How do you begin to believe in yourself 100% based on who you are and what you are capable of and not judge yourself based on what you look like, weigh or eat?
Yesterday was Day One of Jamie's 21 Day Intuitive Eating Challenge. I signed up for this challenge as a means to finally, after so many dirty struggles, repair my relationship with food. The objective yesterday was to eat whatever you want whenever you want. I struggled a little with giving up on measuring all of my foods but I did allow for plenty of wiggle room. I was fine with my eating all day... until I walked in the door at midnight with a slightly grumbly tummy. While I didn't gorge on junk food I was remorseful for eating too much of the good stuff. I woke up with that guilt lying right beside me. Welcome to Day Two - Let's Stop Judging Ourselves. I most definitely, no matter how far away from ED I have come, still feel pangs of self judgement from time to time after I eat. That is definitely part of the problem today.
And I hate it. Not that anyone would love it. But I truly loathe this feeling.
I have spent countless hours reading on eating disorder recovery from medical type books and articles to memoirs and blog posts. My old therapist told me I had a really good handle on my recovery process because of all of this. So why do I still worry about food? And furthermore why do I still worry about that God forsaken scale?
I've read a few blog posts lately with the same theme - thinking that when you reach a certain weight your life will really begin and you will finally be happy. Well, I've been a decent amount of numbers all the way down to 102 and let me tell you happiness cannot be measured in numbers. Yet I still have that nagging feeling way down deep in my brain. That does not mean I am not happy in this present moment. I most certainly am. I have accomplished so much in even just the last few months let alone the last year. I finally feel like I am right where I belong and working toward achieving so many goals I have set for myself, and I'm looking forward - without fear - to what else is going to come my way. My positivity has bred more positivity. I am absolutely IN LOVE with life. But I guess when things are going so well there has to be some sort of bump in the road to keep things interesting, right? To remind you that you are still human and falter? To remind you of your strength and how you got to this very moment?
Today's objective is a tough one for me. I struggle with self judgement even beyond my eating habits. I have long been a perfectionist - my own worst enemy - and only recently have I been learning how to be my own best friend. How do you wave a white flag when it comes to yourself? How do you resign yourself to just being who you really are in this present moment? How do you begin to believe in yourself 100% based on who you are and what you are capable of and not judge yourself based on what you look like, weigh or eat?
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