In Loving Memory...

If there is one thing I learned from my wonderful grandpa it would be to live life to the fullest. It sounds rather cliche but that is exactly the way in which he lived. He and my grandma were always on the go. They were very involved in and dedicated to their community, their church, and the UNICO National organization. My grandpa would meet with "the guys" at the local diner for breakfast. He was in charge of Bingo at the church every week. He was a dedicated family man and just last month celebrated 60 amazing years of marriage with my beautiful grandma. There are no words to describe what an incredible soul he was.

My heart is so heavy and so shattered right now. I am weighed down by the guilt of living not that far but far enough away. My mind is flooded with so many memories and his voice. Over and over again I hear his voice, "Hiya, Kris!" "When are we going to see you again? We miss you." He would always shove a $20 bill in my hand when I left even when I insisted it wasn't necessary, "Here's some gas money."

The next time I walk into the apartment he won't be sitting in his recliner watching TV or working on his computer. He won't walk into the kitchen and sit down to eat with us. He won't get to see his precious great granddaughter grow up or meet his great grandson. Never again will I hear my grandma shout "Mickey!" or "D'Arminio!" I won't see him and his gang at breakfast at the Arena Diner. I cannot believe I will never see him again.

No matter how far apart we were I loved him dearly and I know he knew that. I know he did. I know he asked about me and looked forward to my visits. I know how much he loved us all. He was always supportive and without judgement.

I know I am mourning the physical but that his spirit will always live on inside of me. I am so grateful to have been able to call him Grandpa.

I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU. UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN, SWEET MAN. I LOVE YOU!

Authenticity vs Conformity

As far back as I can recall I have always considered myself different, an outsider, a rebel, unique. Moreover I have always stayed true to myself. I wore whatever I wanted. I styled my hair differently and dyed it different colors. I didn't match and I didn't care. I didn't look like "normal" kids. I didn't worry about fitting in. All that mattered was that I stayed true to my core and visually expressed who I was on the inside.

For some that goes away once you've entered adulthood. That didn't happen to me. I never conformed to a societal norm of how to look or how to act. Who I am on the inside has grown and maybe I am not as spunky on the outside anymore but there are still certain ways in which I externally express myself, mainly tattoos and piercings.

I haven't ever cared what anyone thought of my tattoos or piercings. They are a part of who I am. Honestly I forget they are there until someone stares or asks me about them. Every bit of ink in my skin has meaning to me. And well, the piercings are something I enjoy. I do not look 'freakish' nor do I adorn my body with anything offensive.

I have always and will always have the attitude that this is me, take it or leave it.

Usually this isn't a problem. I seldom feel judged or like an outcast for the way that I look. My tattoos and piercings haven't ever been an issue when it came to dating, making friends or my job. Body modifications have become extremely mainstream. However there are still people and places who find them to be unacceptable for a professional appearance.

My brand new place of employment, a large retail chain, states in their handbook that tattoos must be covered and piercings are not allowed except in the ears. Had I known this I would not have applied for the job. This kept me from applying for another large company but I respect them for being upfront about it. I was asked on my date of hire to cover the tattoos and I agreed. Did I like it? Absolutely not but I would manage. Then today, my first day of training, it was brought to my attention that after further discussion I would need to wear a clear retainer in place of my Monroe. This comes after I had already been told that since I was hired with it in I would be able to wear it. And quite frankly I feel this is extremely unfair.

During my job search these last few months I was adamant about finding a job that would except me as I am. If a company was going to discriminate based upon body modifications then it wouldn't be the place for me. I still believe that.

I feel stifled. At this age this is not the way I want to feel. Especially for a part time job. Yet I feel like in this moment I have no choice. I have bills to pay and I need flexibility in order to complete my internship. And so again I feel stuck. A feeling I worked so hard to escape has now come back around and smacked me in the face.

I don't see this lasting very long as I cannot be in a place that does not foster individuality.

Letting Go of Bad Habits.

See also: Nothing changes if nothing changes.

After two hours and nearly seven miles something my friend said to me really made struck a nerve. I need to let go.

What I would say was the biggest factor in my anorexia and the continuity of disordered eating is control. When everything else in life is unsteady and not going as I would like I freak out and do what I know best, I exert extreme control over my eating. I haven't relapsed although I've teetered on the edge a few times. But it made me reassess my mental state when the going gets tough. It made me realize there are still some behaviors that do not serve me positively on any level and I need to let them go.

Marching into a second year of dealing with HA is frustrating to say the least. I have tried several medications, adjusted my diet, adjusted my exercising, and yet nothing seems to correct the problem. When I take on an outside point of view it seems rather obvious that changes need to be made. If what I've tried has not worked up to this point why do I continue to do the same things yet expect different results? That's preposterous!

I learned a lot from the intuitive eating challenge I took on in April. And while I continue to incorporate intuitive eating into my life, there is still that last bit of control that I need to sever ties with. I truly believe that I can heal my body holistically if I simply let go.

Today I am doing just that.

No more food logging. No more measuring. No more 'good foods/bad foods'. No more restriction.
No more weighing myself. No more scrutinizing myself in the mirror. No more pushing myself to extremes. No more stressing. NO MORE ABUSE.

From this day forward I am going to listen to my body. I will eat when I am hungry and I will eat what my body tells me it really needs (or sometimes just wants!). I will move in ways that make me feel strong and alive. I will rest when my body aches. I will laugh a hearty laugh when my soul needs it. I will meditate when I need centering.

I am going to stop worrying and truly start living.

Dependency.

If I had to choose three words to describe myself one would surely be independent. I am fully capable of taking care of myself, thinking for myself, making my own decisions, taking care of my finances. You name it.   I don't rely on anyone for anything. Not that it's necessarily bad if you do (unless you're taking advantage of someone obviously), but I pride myself on being independent and free of need. I have busted my hump for years to save money, to learn to rely on my instincts and know that I know what is truly best for me, and to take control of my life in every area possible. So when something goes amiss it's usually difficult for me to accept.

You mean I have to rely on someone else? Ask for help? How do I do that when I have been relying on myself for so long?

This is a situation with which I'm faced at the moment. It's nothing terrible. It's nothing that is long term. The auto shop caused a problem and can't fix it until next week when they can get a part. It's an awful inconvenience, sure. Yet I'm not thinking of it as a case of "bad luck." No, I've decided to turn it around.

It's an opportunity for me to learn how to depend on others.

I will have to cancel my internship hours tomorrow which is a huge bummer, but it isn't the end of the world. I start training for my new job on Monday and have another shot at internship hours on Tuesday. What's great is that these occur while my mom is working and she has agreed to again lend me her car as she did today. That solves that. It is going to be a little maddening being stuck home all weekend, save for any time I can borrow the car to run errands. But I have things I can do that I have been feverishly avoiding and I will be forced have time to spend with my sister and niece who are coming by for the weekend. See, optimism at its finest!

I struggle with asking for help. It's not that it makes me feel weak or needy. It's not that I don't have a few people on whom I can rely. It's just frustrating to be in a position that is out of my control and which forces me to feel as though I am inconveniencing someone else. It really is as simple as that. I like doing things myself and when I can't I have a hard time with it. I'm stubborn! But it's these times that show me on whom I can truly rely. It shows me that people love and care for me and are willing to go out of their way to help me. And that can't possibly ever be a negative.

I'm choosing to turn this little blip into something positive. I could let it bother me and go bananas on the shop for screwing things up. But they owned up to it. They apologized and even offered to pay for a rental which I declined. They were willing to go above and beyond and in turn I am willing to be patient and understanding.

Positivity will always beget positivity.

Inspiration.

(via)

“I see my body as an instrument, rather than an ornament.” - Alanis Morissette