I Don't Want to Be...

Yesterday I started thinking about my goals and where I'd like to be in the not too distant future. I was pondering how I wanted to be when I come out on the other side. I started to mentally make some lists of what/who I do and do not want to be.

I don't want to be...

...a big shot Hollywood trainer.
...an exercise DVD guru.
...stick thin.
...a fitness model.
...an object of envy.
...financially rich.

I do want to be...

...an inspiration.
...motivational.
...a source of comfort.
...one who teaches.
...one who practices what she preaches.
...personally successful.

Stepping into the health and fitness field feels like I've finally emerged from my cocoon. It's where I was meant to be. It's natural for me. Did I always think this is where I wanted to be? Absolutely not! But I did know I wanted to work in a field that would enable me to help people one on one. I never quite knew how or how to even go about figuring it out. I trusted that in time it would come to me and finally it has.

I feel very reflective this morning. More answers have been revealed to me. I can now make sense of certain situations and the lessons they afforded me. I can now see how I got to this place. I am grateful for each and every bit of it.

I really want to help people realize their full potential as well. I want to show them that perseverance may be painful at times but it is rewarding.

We are all capable of wonderful things. We just need to believe in ourselves.

Chasing a Feeling.

Like Alice wandering down the rabbit hole, I feel as though I'm compelled to chase this unknown.

I have this deeply intense feeling in the pit of my stomach. Like a caged animal trying desperately to break free. Only I can't pinpoint what it is.

It's simply a feeling.

I know better things are on the horizon. I am so very ready to chase them down. One by one. Catching them like beautiful butterflies in my net.

Yet I'm hesitant.

For some time I've practiced turning inward in order to seek out an answer. I write, meditate, run, or sit silently weighing all of my options. But right now I'm seeking validation. My instinct is screaming at me to make a decision. A simple decision. After all most decisions in life really are simple yet we complicate them. So why do I need the world's opinion about this?

If our instincts won't lead us astray, why can't I do what I feel I should do? What is best for me in this situation?

I wholeheartedly believe this. I'm certainly not scared. I don't fear what comes next. I know it will work out in the right way.

While this isn't sinking me it isn't serving me either. It isn't doing much of anything to propel me forward. I've exhausted all positive angles, learned all I'm going to learn from this. I see the value in this experience. I believe everything - big or small - is meant to teach us something. Nothing is insignificant. 

But I think the well has run dry.

And I think it's time to find a new well.

A New Body Reality.

I've made significant strides in the acceptance of my body.

I eat healthy. I exercise. I rest when needed. I don't sleep well (due to stress) but I'm working on it. I have completely omitted the word "fat" from my vocabulary. I am conscious of the content of my self talk. I am careful to push out negative thoughts just as soon as they start to appear. I treat myself with kindness. I focus on what my body can accomplish rather than how it looks in the mirror.

Yet still I would like to lose a little of what I call my "squishiness."

I follow a lot of body positive Facebook and Instagram accounts. I read about body positivity all the time and do my best to reenforce that concept within myself. It's working. I mean that in all honesty.  I feel really good about myself. I'm confident about my outer appearance because I am even more confident with who I am on the inside.

Yet I still would like to get back to the fit physique I had prior to the onset of ED.

 

June 2011

But then I had a thought today. What if the body I want isn't the body I am meant to have? What if my set point is where I'm at now?

By 'standards' I am average in size. I'm more physically capable than some and not nearly as much as others. I accept that.

I work hard to take care of my body but I know I am still battling some internal effects from my ED. I believe I have digestive issues that are making it very hard to lose any weight/inches. I accept that and I'm working to correct it. But I have to admit it's extremely frustrating.

I don't need to look exactly like that photo above. I think it would mean more to feel the way I did when I took that photo. I had just finished a five mile run with nearly no walking breaks. It was a huge accomplishment for me. The thought that I may not accomplish that again, not due to size but due to some physical pains, is crushing. I know how hard I worked to get to that point and some days I feel like I work 10x harder now.

Looking slim and fit was the icing on the cupcake for me. And yes I want that back. But what if I'm just not meant for it? How do I learn to accept a new reality?

I won't give up and I certainly won't fall back into harsh restrictive patterns in an attempt to achieve what I did once before. My mindset is stronger now. I'm doing right by myself. That is what matters most. I will continue to honor my body and my mind for what it can achieve.

The way I look on the outside is not my measure of success.

My Pants Don't Fit (and Why I Don't Care!)

Thanks to a drop in temperature today I decided to opt for pants for a change. Jeans, my least favorite piece of clothing. I tried to squeeze into a pair I hadn't worn in a while and found I could barely get them all the way up my legs. Much to my delight my first thought was not one of disgust or disdain for my body. The forbidden F word never entered my mind. Oh no no, I have come so far from that place. Instead I thought "Whatever!"

Yes, my immediate unfiltered response was a big old WHATEVER. My second response was a huge smile across my face.

I'm not quite sure how or when the shift really began to manifest. I have been reading, writing, and reading some more over the last year in an effort to make the most of my recovery from ED and to plant myself firmly on the path toward radical self love and body acceptance. I started following plus-size bloggers and models, reading articles on body acceptance and fat shaming, and I started practicing mindfulness in all areas of my life. And let me tell you, it has all brought me to this very moment.

That one phrase has had a profound impact on my self image and self worth.

No longer do I set expectations on aesthetics. I am not interested in fitting into someone else's mold of what is beautiful or worthy. Instead I am more concerned with functionality. I focus on the action and the physical and mental feelings in those moments rather than how many calories I am burning or how my body looks. I am consciously aware of movements and my abilities. I also learned to listen to my body which is something that I never made a priority. I rest when it's needed and I push myself when I know I am capable of so much more. It's a balance I finally struck. I no longer take my body for granted.

I can honestly say my struggle with food is barely there these days as well. I learned so much from the Intuitive Eating Challenge. I eat when I am hungry, pay attention to satiety, and never deprive myself. I put into action what I learned from a nutrition course I took back in April and make sure I am eating a complete meal or healthy snack each time something goes into my mouth. But if I want to indulge I do it. If I want to go out to dinner or for drinks I do it. If I overeat so be it. No more guilt. That freedom is indescribable.

All of this letting go and lack of stress about weight, measurements, and looks has paid off. Not only am I mentally more sound, not only am I more confident, but I finally put in that last piece of the puzzle. After two long years and an excruciatingly painful road, my body has healed itself and amenorrhea is no longer a concern. I have finally put my ED experience to pasture.

I am thankful, never regretful, for the experience. I could have never gotten to where I am or who I am otherwise.

Today is huge for me. I feel like I quietly exited one door and walked blissfully toward another.

Unplugging.

Technology and constant stimulation are a big part of most people's lives. I too am guilty. But as I get older I prefer more downtime. I prefer quietness. I value being alone. I would rather be outside in nature than bogged down by electronics. I like the simple things.

This morning I drove out to the gym only to quickly pull away and head to the park. Intuitively I felt drawn to being outdoors rather than being surrounded by strangers and equipment. I also decided to forgo strapping on my iPod and was glad I didn't have my GPS watch with me. This meant no distractions and no monitoring of time or distance. It was me and nature. It was without boundaries.

It felt incredible to be able to really marvel at the world around me, the trees, the flowers, the sound of birds chirping, the wind against my skin. So often these fade into the background and go by unnoticed and unappreciated. Today though these simple things were exponentially beautiful to me.

Admittedly I got lost in thought from time to time. Having no distractions affords a lot of time to think, to create and to connect. I was able to sift through ideas and situations without outside influence. I felt a bit more clarity afterward. I often felt a smile involuntarily spread across my face.

What I also enjoyed about my morning stroll was being able to feel a little more connected to the others who were walking in the park. Normally I would be running by and would give a brief smile and hello. But today I was able to offer a genuine smile, a more meaningful Hello, and in one case a very short interaction. I think we are so consumed with ourselves and what we are doing that we go through life with our heads down and eyes averted. I cannot explain how amazing and warm it feels to connect with a stranger even if it is for a brief moment.

And all of this happened by simply leaving the gadgets behind and going back to the basics. It's amazing what can happen and how you can feel when you slow down.