Terrible Tues.

I'm not entirely sure what it is about Tuesdays lately but they leave me feeling flat. I have been on cloud nine recently. I was overly excited about every little thing in life just last night. But this morning, this particular Tuesday, I woke up feeling unlike my 'new norm.' I also woke up with food guilt.

Yesterday was Day One of  Jamie's 21 Day Intuitive Eating Challenge. I signed up for this challenge as a means to finally, after so many dirty struggles, repair my relationship with food. The objective yesterday was to eat whatever you want whenever you want. I struggled a little with giving up on measuring all of my foods but I did allow for plenty of wiggle room. I was fine with my eating all day... until I walked in the door at midnight with a slightly grumbly tummy. While I didn't gorge on junk food I was remorseful for eating too much of the good stuff. I woke up with that guilt lying right beside me. Welcome to Day Two - Let's Stop Judging Ourselves. I most definitely, no matter how far away from ED I have come, still feel pangs of self judgement from time to time after I eat. That is definitely part of the problem today.

And I hate it. Not that anyone would love it. But I truly loathe this feeling.

I have spent countless hours reading on eating disorder recovery from medical type books and articles to memoirs and blog posts. My old therapist told me I had a really good handle on my recovery process because of all of this. So why do I still worry about food? And furthermore why do I still worry about that God forsaken scale?

I've read a few blog posts lately with the same theme - thinking that when you reach a certain weight your life will really begin and you will finally be happy. Well, I've been a decent amount of numbers all the way down to 102 and let me tell you happiness cannot be measured in numbers. Yet I still have that nagging feeling way down deep in my brain. That does not mean I am not happy in this present moment. I most certainly am. I have accomplished so much in even just the last few months let alone the last year. I finally feel like I am right where I belong and working toward achieving so many goals I have set for myself, and I'm looking forward - without fear - to what else is going to come my way. My positivity has bred more positivity. I am absolutely IN LOVE with life. But I guess when things are going so well there has to be some sort of bump in the road to keep things interesting, right? To remind you that you are still human and falter? To remind you of your strength and how you got to this very moment?

Today's objective is a tough one for me. I struggle with self judgement even beyond my eating habits. I have long been a perfectionist - my own worst enemy - and only recently have I been learning how to be my own best friend. How do you wave a white flag when it comes to yourself? How do you resign yourself to just being who you really are in this present moment? How do you begin to believe in yourself 100% based on who you are and what you are capable of and not judge yourself based on what you look like, weigh or eat?

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